


Last Piece

by AnneRozaCat



Category: GOT7, JJ Project
Genre: Alpha Jackson Wang, Alpha Kim Yugyeom, Alpha Park Jinyoung (GOT7), Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Beta Choi Youngjae, Beta Kunpimook Bhuwakul | BamBam, Beta Mark Tuan, Bondage, Bottom Im Jaebum | JB, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Falling In Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Knotting, Light BDSM, M/M, Mating Bites, Mating Bond, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Omega Verse, Oral Sex, Pack Bonding, Pack Dynamics, Pack Orgies, Polyamory, Rimming, Sex Toys, Smut, Soft Im Jaebum | JB
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:14:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 39,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27611198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnneRozaCat/pseuds/AnneRozaCat
Summary: Jaebeom is GOT7's leader, but he is not a part of GOT7's pack. In the industry, Jaebeom was known as the defective beta. The beta without scent.GOT7's pack was recognized as an strange pack. Because the pack didn't have an omega. They always were able to manage without one. But when they find Jaebeom having heat symptoms, they may realize that the Last Piece they were searching was right before their eyes.
Relationships: Im Jaebum | JB/Everyone, Im Jaebum | JB/Park Jinyoung
Comments: 124
Kudos: 244





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone
> 
> My new fanfic is here. I was already writing it when GOT7 released the second group teaser image. That came exactly for my fic 😂. So I had to hurry and post it.
> 
> This fic will approach GOT7's dynamics as an idol pack. I know this is kind of overused, but I tried to take a different approach to it.
> 
> Male pregnancies is mentioned in this fic. It doesn't happen, but is discussed.
> 
> English is not my first language, so be kind when commenting.
> 
> And I have no beta.
> 
> Please, comment, review. Tell me what you think.

Jaebeom arrived late at the dorm. He had been in his studio since the end of the vocal record they had that day. The other members had decided to go home, rest and do the pack's activities. And it was one of the reasons he had decided to stay behind.

Jaebeom grimmanced when he entered the dorm and the first thing he heard was noises coming from the nest room. He didn't mind his member's action, because he knew they were always with different schedules and had very little time to spend together.

But Jaebeom was tired, and he didn't want a reminder of what he couldn't have. 

Got7 was known to be a strange pack. They had three alphas, three betas and no omegas. 

And Jaebeom… Jaebeom wasn't part of the pack. Even if he was GOT7's leader. 

Jaebeom was defective. Ever since he presented, Jaebeom was known in the industry as the defective beta. He was known as the idol who was scentless.

It was the cause of a lot of unwelcome jokes. Sometimes people would ask his members if his presence is a bother to them. They would always crack a joke about how he was just a robot, or a phantom.

Some idols would say something like "it must be creepy to have a member that is scentless living with you." Or things like "how can you live with someone that is not part of your pack? I wouldn't be able to."

It always hurted Jaebeom very much. Even if he pretended it doesn't. Nobody understood what was like to be an outsider in his own home. They always treated him like he was a joke. They treated him like he hadn't feelings or emotions.

Jaebeom had lost contact with most of his idol friends. They, somehow, believed that being seen with him would ruin their reputation. Even if Jaebeom was much more known than almost all of them.

A loud moan brought Jaebeom back to the present. He made a face at it. He had expected to at least go to sleep a little earlier, but he knew it wouldn't happen now.

He would lay awake, thinking about what he wouldn't give to be able to join them. He had longed for so long, he didn't understand anything other than longing. He wished he could knock on the door and join them.

He saw how GOT7's pack was always so affectionate with each other. And, most of the time, he would walk away. Not because it disgusted him, like his members thought. But because his heart would bleed at the sight.

And it shamed him that he let them believe that he didn't like seeing them showing affection to each other. He just didn't know how to talk about it. Defective persons, normally, didn't like to interact with pack's members. They didn't like the pack's dynamics at all. But Jaebeom was different.

They didn't know that his only wish was to join them. To be a part of the pack. "What will they say if they found out you had been lying to them for more than four years?" It was what always went through Jaebeom's head when he thought about telling them the truth.

"Half a lie. I am still defective, no matter my subgender." He thought bitterly. He didn't like to remember that. It only brought him too much pain. And he was tired of it already.

He remembered that all his members were so happy to go home early that day. So he decided he wouldn't be the one to hurt them. So he shoved those thoughts away, trying to focus on the present.

……..

He decided to go directly to the bedroom. He wanted to eat, but the kitchen was too close to the nest room than he liked. He would have to spend all his dinner hearing the loud curses and pleasure moans. And it wouldn't be good for his food appetite, nor his mental health.

He passed through the door of the nest room in a hurry, almost running. He only stopped when he reached the bathroom he used. He was the lone user of that bathroom, the other members used the others ones. And, for that, Jaebeom was grateful. He had a space only for himself. 

After showering and changing into fresh clothes, Jaebeom went to his room. He felt tired, he wanted to sleep, but he wouldn't be able. The moans in the other room would keep him awake. 

His mind went away, over analyzing all his life, like it normally did. He missed his parents, it had been a long time since the last he had seen them. He didn't like to go to his childhood city. His parents knew and respected it. There was just too much pain there.

But he still missed them. His mother didn't call as much as she used to do these days. She knew he was very occupied with his schedules, so she normally waited for his call.

He hadn't wanted to talk through. He wasn't in the best mind condition right now. And it would worry her, and his father, because she would immediately perceive his moods. He felt himself drift away. He has been having trouble concentrating on his thoughts lately.

"Should I buy an apartment and move out?" It was sometime later, Jaebeom had spaced out. He couldn't sleep yet, even if the noises in the other room had already stopped. It was late, he knew it. But he couldn't sleep yet. He was wondering what he should do.

He had been thinking if he should buy a house and move out for months now. He knew his presence was not much welcomed anymore. The pack wanted their space. They wanted to do their things without having to worry with an outside piece that didn't fit in the puzzle.

But his heart was aching. And he was so afraid. He feared his members would forget him if he moved out. They already paid so little attention to him. Sometimes they would even forget he was in the room. 

And he loved them so much, his heart would physically hurt when they would walk away from a room together without waiting for him. His lungs would constrict and he would feel heavy tears in his eyes. 

He knew no friendship bond could compare to a pack's bond. The biggest example of it was his relationship with Jinyoung. They used to be so close before Jinyoung and Jaebeom's presentation. They would hang out together, Jinyoung would come to his room to make him company. They would stay together for hours, sometimes in silence, sometimes talking.

But it stopped after their presentation. Jinyoung, Jackson and Mark had decided to form a pack. It was shortly after their debut, a few weeks before their japanese debut. Jaebeom had wanted to join them. But he hadn't presented yet. 

So when they had received a month off, Jaebeom had decided to visit his parents. He hadn't seen them in a long time. When he came back, he had changed.

He had presented, and he was ashamed. He couldn't look at his members' face for a long time. "What they will think." It was what always ran inside Jaebeom's mind.

He had become the broken beta. A beta that was scentless, a beta that didn't want to be in a pack. A beta that had no desire for closeness.

He remembered clearly, when he had entered the dorm after his month away. He remembered entering looking at the ground. He sensed when the presented members had run to the entrance hall to see who had entered. They had heard the door but couldn't smell who had come in.

Jaebeom had seen them freeze, trying to understand what was going on. They wanted to ask, to inquire. But he didn't give them the chance. He had almost ran to his room and stayed there the rest of the day.

They never asked about it later. Jaebeom suspected that Jinyoung had convinced Jackson and Mark to not say anything. And the young ones, they followed the example. 

In the next year, all the three that were missing presenting, presented. Youngjae and Bambam were betas, and Yugyeom had surprised everyone and was presented as an alpha. They all had joined the pack the same day they had presented. He remembered the happiness in their faces when Yugyeom had received Jackson's bite. 

And then, the biggest problem began. Their pack didn't have something that was essential. They didn't have an omega. Omegas were what kept the balance in a pack. Jackson, the pack's leader, had been sure that they would manage it. He decided that they wouldn't take an outsider just to have an omega in the pack.

But their former company didn't accept it. They began to try to force the pack to have an omega. When Jackson had refused to search one himself, the company told them they would find one for them. Whether they wanted it or not. And if Jackson refused again, they wouldn't have another comeback until they accepted the order. Jaebeom was only present because he was the leader of the group.

And they didn't want to enter on a hiatus. They were in their second year as a group, only. They had the entire career in front of them yet. And Jaebeom, he was afraid. He was afraid of being kicked out from the group. Because he didn't fit in. And he dreaded a possible confrontation with the company. He dreaded it because it would reveal if his members would fight for him or not. And he wasn't ready to be confronted with the truth.

Jackson had been livid. He knew what they were doing was wrong. So he had the brilliant idea of recording the next meeting. And he had done it. He made sure to catch them threatening GOT7 again. The next day, it was on the internet.

Hell had broken loose. People were outraged. Companies were absolutely forbidden, by law, to involve themselves in pack's dynamics. The only cases allowed was when the pack was being abusive toward a member. It resulted in the CEO's resignation, and JYP had to retire himself from the entertainment industry. 

Jaebeom had never been more proud of someone that he had been for Jackson and his members that time. Jaebeom then had suggested they move to a new company, since the trust was broken with the old one. They had all agreed.

They had moved to a small company. The company had treated them right. Promoting them and making them become one of the biggest stars in the world. They had so much success, and yet Jaebeom was sad and empty. There was something more he desired.

GOT7's pack had become a reference in the world by then, on how you can be different and still make it work. While Jaebeom was proud of his boys for this, he was still sad that he had lost his chance.

He felt tears running down his face. Big sobs made its way out of his gut. He curled in himself, his knees to his chest. He put a pillow over his mouth, so no one would be able to hear his distress with their heightened senses. He felt sick. Sick of himself. Sick of his pathetic emotions. He already had everything, he shouldn't desire for more 

He stayed like that for what felt like hours. He was feeling tired. Agitation was plaguing his mind, and he felt uneasiness in his stomach.

He had been disappointed with himself. During vocal record, he wasn't able to reach the notes he normally would have no trouble doing. His voice would crack painfully, sometimes it wouldn't even come out. It was like it didn't want to come out from his vocal cords. He had to force it out in a painful way.

In the dance practices, he was having trouble too. He would be distracted and unable to execute the dance moves correctly. He would hang his head and look at the ground every time his members would glance at him when they had to restart the routine because he had messed up. Shame was his constant companion.

It made him stay behind to practice long after his members had gone home. He knew he was a good dancer, he wouldn't have won a dance based audition if he wasn't, but he doesn't understand why he was struggling so much lately. Even his extra practices weren't helping much. He was at a loss.

The managers had the same disappointed looks on their faces. It was like they were expecting more of him. And he wasn't able to meet their expectations. Shame curled in his stomach once again.

And the worst was when he would see Jinyoung dancing effortlessly, making his parts look elegant and effortless. And Jaebeom would think: "You got better and better and let me behind. Why didn't you wait for me, Nyoungie?" It was a humiliating thought. But one that really resonated in his very soul.

And the worst was that Jinyoung never looked behind. He never stretched his hands to Jaebeom. "It's like he had erased me from his life." And Jaebeom had to resign himself to it. Jinyoung had other priorities now.

He had a small clue why it was like that. Why he was having so much trouble in the last few months. Why he would feel dizzy out of nowhere sometimes. But he didn't want to think about it. He didn't want to contemplate that idea. It would be horrible if it was true.

"It must be losing its effectiveness." He thought with distaste. It meant another visit to the doctor. And he had visited the doctor a lot in the last six months. More than he would have liked. And he always came back with worse news. News that he couldn't tell no one.

He was brought back to the present when he heard a knock on the door. He was surprised that anyone had realized that he was home. Not that he blamed them. He had no idea who could it be.

He got up slowly, clearing his face from any trace of the tears that had wet his face. He cleaned his face with the blouse's sleeve. He walked slowly to the door and opened it.

Yugyeom was outside, using a bathrobe. His hair was wet, and he had a soft glow on him. Like he was the happiest person in the world. He had a big smile on his face. He looked light too. Like all the tensions had left his body.

"He probably is, considering who his pack is and who he is." Jaebeom thought with longing. He wished that he had it too.

"Hyung!" Yugyeom exclaimed with a big grin. He was happy to see that his favorite Hyung had come home. He had realized that his leader tended to stay and sleep in his studio lately. He would barely see him outside of schedules. So he was happy that he was home. 

"You are home. I left a plate with dinner for you but I saw that it was still there. So I thought you hadn't come home yet." Yugyeom said it in almost one breath. He was almost gasping for lack of oxygen. He looked like a kicked puppy, his eyes were wide and he had a cute pout.

Jaebeom was, once again, inundated with all the love he had for him, for all of them. He wished he could show them how much he adored them. But sadness came too, shortly thereafter. He was always remembering his inadequacies. And it hurted him. It made him want to scream.

He was taken with an immense desire to simply pull Yugyeom close and kiss him on his mouth. He wanted to feel his lips on his own. But he knew he couldn't. Even if his heart wanted it, his mind remembered that he shouldn't desire this kind of intimacy. Not after what had happened to him. His stomach rolled in knots, dissipating whatever desires he might have had.

"You are such a slut. Trying to jump in the first alpha you see. How will your members react if they find it out?" His mind cruelly told him. He shuddered in fear. He didn't want them to find it out. They would certainly be disgusted, he would certainly be forced to leave GOT7. They wouldn't want to work with someone that was in love and had desires for their mates, that desired them themselves.

Jaebeom realized that he had spaced out once again, and that Yugyeom was still waiting for an answer, with a concerned look. "I am so sorry Yugy. I came directly to my room. I didn't stop by the kitchen, so I didn't know you left it for me."

Yugyeom blinked, then his face morphed it in one of sadness. He knew that Jaebeom hadn't gone to the kitchen because it was located right in front of the nest room. And he would hear everything that he didn't want.

For a long time, Yugyeom had been worried for his leader. He would see him spacing out during dance practices. He would miss steps, what was uncharacteristic of him. He looked more distant every day. Sometimes, it looked like his Hyung was nauseated, anxious, tired, pained. And he had lost a lot of weight. And none of them knew what to do. Jaebeom would spend very little time with them in the dorm. It looked like he wanted space, so they had given it to him.

He remembered that his leader had distanced himself from them once he had presented and the pack had begun to form. They had all interpreted it as he didn't want to join them. That presenting as a defective beta made him indifferent to pack dynamics. They all said that defective betas didn't have emotions and cravings like the rest of them had. So they had never invited him.

But now, after years, they had begun to realize that maybe, just maybe, they had misinterpreted their leader. They began to see how much other idol's jokes hurted him, even if he tried to hide it. But none of them knew how to proceed with it. They didn't know how to talk about it with him. They were all unsure.

"How can we have this conversation without it ending in tragedy?" The pack's reunions about that always ended in this same question. And none of them was able to come with a plausible solution. So Jackson forbade them from talking about it to Jaebeom until they had figured everything out.

They had always believed, without question, that being a defective beta made him immune to certain kind of desires and cravings, but maybe they were wrong

Jaebeom, having caught part of the maknae's train of thought, simply said: "Let's go to the kitchen, Yugy. I am starving now." He wasn't. His stomach was still knotted, but he would make an effort. He didn't want Yugyeom feeling guilty over something that was not his fault. He shouldn't be ashamed of being with his pack.

Yugyeom's face illuminated, he felt happy that his hyung was going to eat the food he had made. He had spent some time preparing it, so it would be delicious.

"It's worth it," Jaebeom thought, seeing Yugyeom's face still glowing from the big smile he had on his face. The pain is worth it.

They went to the kitchen. Jaebeom sat at the table while Yugyeom sat on the counter, looking at his Hyung. He kept his attention on him, he wanted to make sure he ate everything.

After some time in silence, Yugyeom spoke. "Hyung, can I ask you a question?" His Hyung didn't look well for the last weeks. So he decided to ask.

"You already did, Gyeomie." Jaebeom answered with a mischievous smile. He winked when the other groaned in frustration. He loved to tease the maknaes. "By all means, do it." Jaebeom laughed lightly, ignoring the pain in his chest.

"Are you okay, Hyung?" Yugyeom asked with a worried voice. "You hadn't looked well in the last few weeks. And you have lost a lot of weight. Are you eating well? We wanted to ask but decided to wait." 

He wanted to be the one who made sure their leader was treating himself well. Jaebeom had always taken care of them, Yugyeom in particular, so he decided to be the one to return the favor.

Jaebeom kept chewing. He was trying to decide what to respond, and how to answer. He didn't want to lie, but he couldn't tell the entire truth either. In the end he decided for an answer that was very close to the truth.

"I am fine, Yugy. Truly am. It's just that I have had some trouble with a few things that had appeared to me. It kept me distracted and all. But I will be fine. I promise." He said, ending his dinner. He wanted to spend more time with Yugyeom, but he was afraid that he would continue to press him over it. 

Yugyeom looked a little unsure, but smiled anyway. He was happy that his hyung was okay. "I am happy that everything is okay, then, Hyung. We were very worried for you."

Jaebeom got up, giving the maknae a soft smile. He really doubted that any of the members has been truly worried about him. "None of them even remember that I am in the room, half the time." He thought sadly. But he didn't want Yugyeom to catch his feelings. So he only smiled at him.

"I am going to sleep now, Yugy. Tell the other members that I said good night. And remember that tomorrow we have a very early schedule. So be ready." Jaebeom's voice shook with the contained emotions.

After Yugyeom nodded with his head, Jaebeom practically ran from the kitchen. He had felt suddenly anxious. A dark monster with tentacles in his stomach began to squeeze his lungs and make him nauseous. So he had run.

He entered his room and closed the door. He let his body slide down, to the ground. He put his head in his hands. Despair taking control of his body. Tears were rolling down his face after a few seconds. He couldn't hold his turmoil anymore. He didn't understand why he had suddenly felt so panicked. His emotions were confusing him

"So much to not call attention," He thought bitterly. "Pull your shit together, you are GOT7's leader, for goodness sake. Act like one." These were the words that kept running inside Jaebeom's mind when he finally went to sleep, a few minutes later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, first chapter posted.
> 
> Jaebeom yarned for his members while none of them knows it.
> 
> And Yugyeom realized that his Hyung is going through difficult times, even if he doesn't know what is truly happening.
> 
> Please comment, review. Tell me what you think.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaebeom's mental health deteriorates even more, and a traumatic experience happens. The members began to realize that something is wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone.
> 
> I am so sorry that I took so long to update this. It's just that I am having a lot of trouble to sleep in the last few weeks, and it affects my writing skills too much. I didn't want to post a chapter that I wasn't one hundred percent satisfied with, so I decided to take a little bit longer working on it. I am still not completely satisfied, but I find this chapter ended the way I wanted it. I promise I will try to keep a consistent update basis. With one chapter per week, at least.
> 
> Forgive me if there is some mistakes here. I revised it but some errors might have been missed. 
> 
> Be aware, this chapter has a scene with sexual assault. Proceed with caution.
> 
> Please, don't forget to leave a comment. I love to read what you think.

Jaebeom's body was on fire. Sweat was drenching the sheets around him. Shivers went down his back, making him tremble. His eyes were open but unseeing, the fever in his head making him lose sight of the reality.

He felt cramps in his lower belly. Heavy cramps. The pain was too big. His organs were rearranging themselves inside of him. It's because of that that presenting hurts so much. And he felt empty inside, like he needed to be filled. Like he needed something inside of him.

He didn't know how much time had passed since he had entered the room. He knew he should have called his mother to pick him up. But he hadn't wanted to leave the party. It wasn't everyday that his childhood friend was graduating, after all.

He stayed like that until he felt hands on his body. Unwanted hands. Touching and grabbing. Pushing and pulling. Turning him around. He tried to lift his head, to tell them to stop. But he was too weak for it. Too tired. 

"Please, stop. Stop, stop, stop. Please, please." He tried to say out loud, but no sound came out. He had lost control over his mouth. The only sound that came out was pained whimpers and moans. He shook with his sobs.

"You see, he is loving it. He is moaning. He is so wet, soaked in slick." Jaebeom distantly heard a few of the alphas talking. He didn't want to hear that. He felt so dirty. He felt like his body was betraying him.

He tried to stop it. The hands were taking his clothes off, ripping it off. He didn't want those hands, he didn't want them. He lifted his hand to try to stop whatever was touching him. 

He felt something slamming against his head, making him almost pass out. His vision darkened, and blurred. His body went limp in the bed. His hope faded at every second that passed. He felt like giving up. He felt so powerless, so vulnerable.

He felt one of the alphas turning him around. They opened his legs, to give them space. He felt something in his entrance. He felt something… 

Jaebeom woke up with a scream caught in his throat. His body shaking uncontrollable. Tears were running in his face. He hated it. He hated to have these nightmares.

It always felt so real. It was like he was there all over again. He was never able to let the past go. He was never able to really heal. He kept himself closed, because he was so afraid. Afraid of everything.

He laid down again, turning to the side and hugging himself in a ball. He tried to keep his breath under control, he didn't want to panic. But it was difficult. His lungs felt tight, in pain.

After some time of completely unstable breathing, he felt his muscles relaxing a little. He recognized that he was safe. He had no idea what time it was. He knew it was early, through. But he knew he wouldn't be able to sleep again.

He caught his phone in his hand, to see the time. And he was right. It was three in the morning. He wouldn't be needed to be up until half past five. He was glad that he hadn't screamed, or made any noise to wake his members up.

So he stayed like that for a long time. The nightmare running in his head, even if he tried to shake it away. He felt tiredness in his body, and he knew the day would be difficult. Every time he would have an almost panic attack early in the morning meant the day would be bad.

His mind went back to the nightmare. It was always a torture, to have to think about it constantly. He wished he could simply forget. He wished he could erase it from his mind, from his existence. But his mind never let him forget.

"It's your own fault, after all." He shuddered at the thought. He knew it was true. It was his own choices that had taken him in that path. But he didn't want the reminder.

After some more time, he got up. He decided to take a shower before going to the kitchen. His limbs felt heavy, the heaviness on his lungs still making him stumbling in his own feet. His mind was foggy with sleep.

He had to keep holding the bathroom's wall. He felt unstable in his own feet. Some kind of dizziness was on his mind. And his lungs were still tight, not even the hot water was able to relax him.

"Get your shit together," he said to himself. Slapping his own face. He had a sudden desire if simply slam his head on the wall. But refrained from doing it. It would only make his condition worse right now.

After the shower, he went to the kitchen. The dorm was quiet, everyone was still asleep. The sky outside was still dark, and Seoul was still quiet. Only a few people were up that hour.

After a few minutes separating the things he would need, he began to make breakfast, trying to focus on what he was doing. He had avoided the kitchen for weeks now. He hadn't trusted himself to deal with hot and sharp things. But he had wanted to make something for his members. 

While he was cutting vegetables and cooking, he remembered that he should call his doctor, to make an appointment for later that day. He needed to be checked. While he was thinking about it, he distracted himself. He felt the knife slip and make a small cut in his right hand.

"Shit," he said out loud. He looked at the cut, after having washed it on the sink. It was small, but a little bit deep.. He knew it would need bandages. He hated it. "It will attract the fans' attention. I will have to find an excuse about it. They will be worried if I tell them I hurt myself while cooking."

After he took care of it, bandaging and everything, he went back to what he was cooking. Trying to maintain all his focus there. He didn't want to cause another incident. 

After a few minutes, the food was ready. So he was able to take his phone and begin to send the message. He thought about what he was going to say to his doctor. He was so absorbed in it that he didn't hear a person entering the kitchen. 

"Hyung?" Jaebeom jumped, almost knocking the hot pan out of the cooker, and his phone on the ground. It made a slightly high noise. He felt hot broth splashing against his uninjured hand and forearm. He was so shocked that he felt his heart accelerating in his chest.

He turned around, looking at the newcomer. Youngjae stood in the kitchen tresold with a guilty expression on his face. Jaebeom knew he hadn't intended to startle him. He just forgot that Jaebeom didn't have the heightened senses that the others have.

"Youngjae, you almost made me have a heart attack." He said, trying to put humor in his voice. The nightmare that was still too fresh in his mind, and the fact that he had almost burned himself with the pan made him doubt that he was very successful. He felt his hand aching where he was burned.

"Sorry, Hyung. I didn't mean to startle you." He said, approaching. He walked until he was in front of Jaebeom. He had perceived that Jaebeom had woken up earlier and had come to see if he needed help. He had realized too late that his Hyung was very distracted.

"I thought that you had sensed my scent." He said, looking at the pan, seeing if everything was alright. He caught Jaebeom's hand in his, to see if it was burned. He put Jaebeom's hand under the water stream, to soothe the burn. After he was sure everything was fine, he let it go. Turning back to face Jaebeom.

Jaebeom looked at Youngjae, feeling his heart constricting in his chest. He always felt shame and sadness curling in his gut when the members would say things like that. His sense of inadequacy would always skyrotate. But he tried to keep his face open and playful, he didn't want to bring bad emotions to the members this early in the morning.

"You know, Youngjae, that I am not able to scent pheromones." He said after gulping down the knot in his throat. He tried to make his voice more playful, to not show how much having to explain that from time to time bothered him.

"Come on, let's put the things on the table. The others will be up soon." Jaebeom continued, guiding Youngjae to help him. He tried to distract the other from whatever thoughts that were going through his mind, after seeing the guilty look on his face, once again. 

He was stopped in his tracks when a familiar face entered the kitchen, looking worried and curious at the same time. He was dressed in a rob, having clearly only left the bed. 

There was always a strange kind of tension in the room when Jaebeom and Jinyoung were in the same place. Jaebeom never understood why, but he always had the distinctive sensation that he was walking through thin ice when the other was close. It was like any moment hell could break loose if anything went wrong. So he tried to avoid any direct contact with the younger. He was the person he avoided the most.

"Is everything ok here?" Jinyoung cautiously asked, trying to understand the situation. He only knew he had heard a noise and had come to investigate. He just didn't expect to find Jaebeom and Youngjae in the kitchen, doing God knows what. "I heard a noise, so I came to see what it was."

"Yes, everything is okay. We were talking because I almost made Jaebeom hyung burn his hand." Youngjae explained. Jaebeom knew that Youngjae was a very observant person. And, after living with them for five years, he was very much capable of sensing tensions from a mile away. So he decided to intervene.

"Yes, exactly. I made breakfast, if you guys want." Jaebeom said while walking toward the kitchen's door. When he reached Jinyoung, he made sure to not bump in the other. "I will go dress myself now, we have a schedule in forty five minutes."

He walked away, leaving the two behind.

……….

Jaebeom rested his head in the car's seat and closed his eyes. He felt it would be a difficult day. He still felt on edge. His small time of sleep was not enough to rest his tired body.

And they would have a dance practice first in the morning. It was already great, for someone that had slept very little. Then, later he would have a recording of their participation on Weekly Idol. Which made everything better.

He had foregone breakfast. After going to dress himself, he felt his stomach too agitated to be able to really eat. And he knew it was only going to get worse if he sat with the members.

He expected that they would confront him, one of these days. He knew that they would demand to know why he was giving such a poorly executed performance when they were practicing. 

Their comeback was near, and Jaebeom knew he had to find a way of pulling himself back together.

The car was almost in silence, with only a few members whispering between themselves. Some were watching things in their phones, while Jackson was trying to have a few more minutes of sleep. 

Jaebeom, too, would have tried to sleep if his mind wasn't so restless. He was worried about what he was going to happen that day. Both in the Weekly Idol recording and in the practice room.

"Jaebeom," their manager, Seojun, called his name. Jaebeom felt himself coming back to the present, realizing that he had spaced out. He turned around to look at his manager.

"Have you memorized the script?" The manager asked. He had to make sure everything was under control. That kind of show was always a trick to do.

Jaebeom nodded his head. He had memorized his script and the members too. It was a precaution he always took ever since he was a rookie. 

He remembered one time, it was one of the first auditorium shows that he and Jinyoung had been to after JJ Project's debut. He remembered that Jinyoung had forgotten his part, and Jaebeom had been lost. He hadn't known what to do. 

And the hosts… they had been very mean, making fun of their inexperience. So Jaebeom had decided to be always prepared for situations like that. He always remembered Jinyoung's heartbroken expression in the car after the recording. He had been so sure that he had made a big mistake.

Jaebeom knew that the possibilities of that happening again were slim. They were experienced idols now. They knew how to improvise and everything more. The hosts these days tend to want to stay on their fans' good side, so they rarely behave badly. And GOT7 rarely followed the script these days, having already perfected their spontaneity. But Jaebeom still liked to be prepared.

But this Weekly Idol, this one was different. There were two new hosts that they didn't have personally met yet. And one of them had some kind of reputation.

Hangyeol was a very well known person inside the industry. And his reputation wasn't the best. He was known to be very disgusting towards his co-workers and subordinates.

There were a lot of whispered conversations about how he would sexually assault a lot of people. But most of them were afraid to denounce him. Because he supposedly had ties with a lot of big people.

And it was no secret that the idol world was full of disgusting predators. There were even talks about companies selling their minor trainees to powerful people in the industry. 

And that host, Jaebeom was worried. He had a feeling things won't be okay that day. These kinds of people had the tendency to feel invincible. And it would probably be considered a conquest to be able to behave inappropriately without repercussions.

It was well known in the industry that GOT7 avoided rumors and scandals at all costs. People could feel a little too confident because of that, and it had happened in the past.

And there's the problem of Jaebeom himself. He was a known punch bag. Everyone had a tendency of acting out of line with him. He was a packless member, he had no one to fight for him.

Part of Jaebeom resented his members a little. They were the ones that began to joke around about him in interviews. And people saw their behaviors and began to mimic, even their fans. He fought hard to not show how it affected him, but he was feeling so mentally drained. A heavy sadness fell over him with it.

"You are overreacting. Stop it." He told himself with a stern voice. Every time he thought about those things he felt himself falling in a deep, dark pit. And he didn't want to feel it right now. He needed to focus.

"I just hope everything will be okay." He thought, closing his eyes.

…………..

Jaebeom walked inside the studio after their arrival. It was fully packed with people inside. He saw his manager doing a gesture for them to follow. They were taken to a dressing room where they would get dressed and have their make up made. 

Their dance practice that morning had been as usual. They were making fun of each other while Jaebeom had struggled more than the usual. His lack of sleep was catching up on him. He felt nauseated when they had to perform a move at the floor. For a split second, his vision had darkened and he was afraid he would pass out or throw up. 

In the end he was able to control his body reactions and acted like nothing had happened. He didn't know if any of the members had perceived his distress, but he hoped no one did. He would have a lot to explain if anyone suspected he wasn't feeling well. And he didn't want to have to lie to them.

After the dance practice had ended they had rushed to where the Weekly Idol was going to be filmed. They got ready and were escorted to the main studio. 

When he entered, Jaebeom felt a shiver on his back. The host, Hangyeol, looked at them with a creepy smile. He had a mocking looking expression, like they would be their new entertainment toys. 

Jaebeom stilled himself and walked forward first, keeping the pace steadily. The members followed behind, keeping a distance from him. Jaebeom felt uncomfortable, but forced himself to keep a relaxed front. But there was some kind of dread in his stomach that didn't let him relax.

"Welcome to the Weekly Idol, today we have a special guest, GOT7." The other host, a woman named Byeol, said with enthusiasm. Jaebeom was well versed enough with interviews to know it was forced. She seemed to keep as much distance as she could from Hangyeol without making it obvious. 

Jaebeom tensed even more. After their introduction was done, things began to go a little bit smoother than he had expected. For the first part of the recording, anything abnormal was done. So he began to believe that maybe they would be able to go through it without problems. He began to relax, until… 

"You are young, and a full formed pack. And yet an unmated beta lives with you." Hangyeol began, making Jaebeom's muscles tense immediately. He knew where it was going, he had been the subjects of jokes like that before. But never on national tv. "Does he sleep in the mate bed with you?" He asked it and immediately let out a high laugh, like it was the most fun joke he had ever heard. 

Jaebeom clenched his jaw, keeping his eyes on the same spot they had been for a while now. Forcing himself to not react. In a blank space on the wall. He knew what that joke meant. It had a sexual meaning, it was well hidden in a harmless joke but everyone could see it. It was meant to ask if he participated in the pack's sexual activities.

He saw the staff members that were working all looking uncomfortable. A few embarrassed laughs sounded in the studio. Jaebeom didn't look at his members, but he felt them looking at him. 

"I don't think our pack dynamics is a topic to be discussed here." Jackson said, putting his alpha voice. It was so rare for him to use it. Jaebeom felt his throat closing, he felt disappointed with himself. He was always the one to put the group under difficult situations. He hated it. "I think we are here to discuss our careers." 

"Of course, of course. It was just a curiosity." Hangyeol said, satisfied with himself. His desire had been to put them in an uncomfortable position. His main reason to do that joke was to see how the other members would react. And he was pleased with what he found out. He was ready to take the next step.

The other host, Byeol, tried to disperse the tension by changing the subjects. Slowly the members relaxed again, but Jaebeom kept tense, waiting for more. He knew that he would be even more tense by the end of the interview. So he forced himself to space out, he didn't want to confront his emotions right now.

"You know what's interesting?" After twenty minutes or so, Hangyeol attacked again. Jaebeom raised his head slightly, looking without making eye contact. He saw the other looking at him with a smile. Jaebeom was confused, he didn't understand why he was being targeted like that. "Why does Jaebeom smell as suppressants? Is he an omega in disguise." The alpha said it with mocking. 

Jaebeom almost jumped in shock, he tried really hard to regain control, but he was too afraid. He looked up in shock, trying to keep a glare in his face. It wouldn't be good to have a scared expression at this moment.

He saw the host smiling again. Jaebeom suddenly felt a desire to launch himself on the man and rip that smile off. It was surprising for Jaebeom, because he hadn't had these kinds of strong emotions in years now. But he was able to control himself.

"Why do you make these kinds of observations? This is not your business." Mark answered, sounding almost rudely. He was tired of people asking personal questions just to try to put them down. They were worldwide famous, but it didn't mean they wanted their personal lives to be too focused, even if they knew it was inevitable.

This time it seemed that the host had caught that he was on bad terms. He apologized, and moved with the interview. But Jaebeom wasn't convinced, he saw the look on the man's eyes. And it showed everything but regret.

The rest of the interview progressed well, but Jaebeom was trembling. He felt sweat in his brow, and his breath was shallow. Interviews like these ones were a common occurrence for him, but he felt this was one of the worst he ever had. The way he was mocked in the small ways made his blood freeze. 

After he walked outside of the studio, he crumpled against a wall. He felt bone tired, like all his energy was drained. He was accustomed to hear things much worse than these ones, but in interviews his reactions would be analyzed over and over. Nothing will pass the eyes of the people. 

He went to the dressing room once again, he felt the need to take off the clothes he had used in the interview as fast as he could. There was a weight on them that was almost like the alpha's stare was still clinging to it. 

After he was done, a staff member appeared saying that Hangyeol had solicited a private meeting with Jaebeom. Jaebeom jumped, his eyes widened. 

"Why?" He gasped out. His throat was closed, and he was still sweating. "He said he wanted to apologise in person." The staff member answered. He was visibly nervous.

He didn't want to be alone with the man, but he couldn't find a plausible reason to deny him. Mainly after hearing that he wanted to apologise. If he denied, it was a possibility that it would be leaked to the mídia.

"GOT7's leader refuses to accept apologies, this will be the headlines." Jaebeom thought bitterly. He would be seen as the wrong one, and the group's would be dragged along. And if he went there… 

He got up from the chair and made a motion for the staff to lead the way. He walked behind, his heart beating madly in his chest. "I just want to go home." Tears filled his eyes at the thought.

Once he arrived at the host's office, he knew it was a mistake. The corridor was completely deserted. It was a abnormal thing for a building that was completely packed with people. So he felt his nerves spike.

The man was sitting on a chair, drinking something that resembled whiskey. He looked at Jaebeom for a long time, before gesturing for him to sit. As he did what he was told, Hangyeol got up and walked behind his chair.

"I am sorry, Jaebeom, for my behavior earlier." The alpha said, putting a hand in Jaebeom's neck. Jaebeom tensed painfully, his throat closing even more. He felt the other sniffling his throat, as if trying to smell him. "I just wanted to have a meeting with you in private."

Panic went through Jaebeom as he realized the casual way the host was treating him. He wanted to flee, but he couldn't risk a scene. He felt everyone was watching his movements. He opened his mouth to say something, but no sound came out. 

He felt trapped, his breath becoming labored as Hangyeol put his two hands in his legs, each hand on one tight and squeezed it harshly. He heard the man laughing in his ears, and Jaebeom gagged heavily. 

He tried to keep his mind in the present, to find a way to go out of that situation. But a memory threatened to overtake him. A memory from a time where he had been in a situation much like the one he was now. 

"It's because of it right? That you are not mated." The man said, rotating the chair so Jaebeom could look him in the face. Jaebeom gulped, trying not to cry. He felt so hopeless, he wanted to run but couldn't. His limbs were frozen in place. He wanted his voice to work, but no words could be formed. "You simply enjoy being fucked by everyone you meet. I know your kind, you are a simple little slut." 

Jaebeom lowered his head in shame. He felt so dirty. It was like the man could see everything inside his being. And it mortified him. "I just want to go home."

"You have no home," his mind supplied mercilessly. He knew it. He had no real home, no pack and probably no friends. Some days he felt he wasn't even living. He simply existed in a gray, colorless existence. 

"Is it because of it you dear members defend you? Because you give them a blowjob when no one is looking?" Hangyeol put his hand in Jaebeom's dick through his pants and squeezed it hard. Jaebeom whimpered in pain, his whole body shaking. He doubled over in instinct. And when the alpha's ministrations didn't get the reaction he was expecting, Hangyeol said: "You are really a defective product. You dick doesn't even work anymore."

"Sir, GOT7 members are waiting for their leader." A woman in the door said, interrupting Hangyeol from trying to kiss Jaebeom. The host jumped in surprise, clearly not expecting being interrupted. 

The woman's voice was enough to take Jaebeom from the pit of despair that had swallowed him. He jumped up, running out without a second thought. When he passed through the woman, he could see her cold look. But the only thing he was able to do was throw her a thankful little smile. It was everything he could muster, his energy completely drained. But it seemed to be enough, because the woman nodded back.

………..

Jaebeom rushed out of the studio with his heart in his throat. He felt he was going to throw up. The ghost hand of the host still in his most intimate parts. He was holding himself so tightly that almost hurt. When he reached the waiting room where they would wait for their manager, he crumpled down in a chair.

He felt he was fighting a flashback. He knew if he let himself fall into it, he wouldn't be able to get out for a long time. And the members would freak out. They wouldn't know how to deal with it. He knew it. And he didn't want to look weak. Or put them through it.

He put his head in his hands, trying to do every breath exercise he had been taught. He felt his skin crawling, and it didn't help in his concentration. He closed his eyes tightly, pressing his palms into it. It was a desperate tentative to keep the tears inside.

It would be horrible to be spotted by the media and fans with a blotchy face and red eyes. It would be in all news sites, everyone speculating what had happened to make the "great GOT7's leader" cry. He didn't want that kind of attention. Sometimes he loathed to have so many eyes on him all the time.

He knew that a lot of people used their group to gain attention. False articles, exaggerations, inventions. Everything that could help them in their careers. He loathed this time of people. People who make a living with the destruction of other people's lives.

He heard someone calling his name, but he ignored it. He tried to focus on what was important now… Breathing. He tried to take a deep breath, coughing right after. He couldn't take a deep breath, and his eyes were getting foggy…

"Jaebeom?" He heard the deep voice of their manager, Seojun, over the voices of the members. It helped his mind clear a little, giving him space to breath a little bit better. 

"I am… I am fine." He rasped out. His voice came out high and low at the same time. High for the others that were standing around him. And Low for his own ears. He tried to take a deep breath again, this time it worked a bit more. "Just give me a minute."

He heard the others murmuring while he tried to keep himself under control. There was an innate shame inside him, for letting that part of himself come forward. He tried to not think too much about that, for his mental health's sake, but he still could feel his skin crawling. 

He opened his eyes, after a while. He hadn't realized that he had even closed them. His hands were holding his head, and he was doubled in half over the chair. He lifted his head to look around. 

He saw the members around him, trying to keep a resemblance of normality while being worried sick. They knew what it was, but they didn't know what had triggered it. Their manager was a little bit away, giving them privacy while still keeping vigilance.

After they made sure he was okay, they walked through the door, toward the car. There was an oppressive silence between them. Jaebeom walked slowly, keeping a distance from them. He kept his eyes down. 

"What have I done?" He asked himself again. He felt like every time he would do something that would put the mood down. He felt he shouldn't have overacted like that, it was nothing that he hadn't gone through before. He didn't know if his members were in silence because they didn't know what to say, or because they were annoyed with him.

So he kept his mouth shut. He put his arms around his middle, hugging himself. In moments like this, he craved affection. He craved to have someone to hug and comfort him. To tell him everything would be fine. 

He sat in the car's seat, sad and crestfallen. His sense of failure overwhelmed him. He stayed in silence all the way back to the company's building. He could feel eyes on him all the way. 

When they reached their destination, Jaebeom told the manager that he would stay behind, in his studio. He had one more thing to do yet. 

He saw all of them opening their mouths to protest, but decided against it. They were worried about him and didn't want to pressure him for answers. So they let him be, believing he wanted space. He entered the company's building feeling drained, his shoulders hunched and his eyes on the ground. 

"I knew today would be bad. But not that bad." He thought, falling on his chair. He put his head in his hands, in despair. He was at his studio, he needed to wait for his other appointment of the day.

………

"Now, we need a pack meeting." Jackson said, throwing his bag in the nest bed. They had arrived from the company. They were still in a bad mood since seeing Jaebeom hyperventilating. They were all in a shock state.

Jackson felt a reunion was needed. They needed to talk, and they needed to talk now. There was just too much unsureness for it to be safe. Words were needed. 

Ever since the pack was fully formed, Jackson made sure they would work hard in their communication. They didn't have an omega, which made everything more complicated. Omegas were the ones who kept the balance in the pack. They were the ones who would be able to call the mood or resolve disputes. They were the only ones able to dissolve tensions. And they didn't have that. So they had to be much more open about their emotions in order to avoid fights.

"I think Jaebeom is not well." Mark began the conversation, throwing the proverbial stone in the water. It wasn't a surprise to anyone that he decided to take the reins of the conversation. He was normally the one who took charge of the uncomfortable subjects. "And I think he hasn't been well for months now."

"Jaebeom hyung has not been well for years now, to be honest." Bambam said, undressing from his clothes. Since he had begun to work out, he had made a point to show it in every circumstance he got. And none of his mate's complained, since they loved to see him naked. "I am surprised you only realized it now." He continued.

Everyone in the room exchanged looks. They all had realized something wasn't right with their leader a few months ago. They saw him become more introverted, more distant. He barely smiled genuinely now. But they hadn't really realized that he wasn't well for years.

"What do you mean, Bam?" Youngjae asked from his seated position in the bed headboard. A seriousness descended through the air when Bam turned around to look at them. Bambam was always a playful person, but he was one of the most observant persons on the pack. 

"Since our debut. Jaebeom hyung hasn't been well since our debut." He said, sitting on the bed. He didn't bother to put other clothes, preferring to stay naked. It was a common occurrence for them, after all. "His condition worsened after our break that time, but he never recovered, honestly. I think he only got better at pretending."

Bambam had always seen it. He saw his Hyung trying to not cry when one of their jokes went overboard. He heard him crying in his room, sometimes, when he went to the bathroom in the middle of the night. He saw him struggling with dance steps that were not hard for him. And he saw the other's voice break more than anyone in the group. Which didn't make any sense, because he was a strong vocalist.

He had always thought about saying something, but he thought that the others knew it already. Since they all talked about how Jaebeom was acting strange. But he had the distinctive impression that Jaebeom didn't want anyone to know. Or didn't want people invading his business. But after today, when he saw him have a panic attack, he realized that maybe he should have said something earlier. 

He realized none of his mates had known about how deep it probably went. They had all been fooled by their group's leader's happy false image. They all fell for his false smiles and reassuring words. He should have known better. "Even you were fooled." Bambam scold himself angrily.

"I didn't know." Mark said surprised. He knew that Jaebeom had a few moments where he would space out during dance practices, or would close in himself. But he hadn't known that it was an ongoing thing over the years.

"I had realized it a few months ago. That he doesn't really like our jokes." Yugyeom said, resting against the bed. They all were sitting down, the dark mood of the room putting them all on edge. "And yesterday he really seemed upset. Even if he tried to keep a happy face."

"He told me he was okay when I asked." Yugyeom continued after a few seconds. He shook his head trying to remember all the details of their talk. "He said a few troubles had surged and that it was nothing."

"I don't think we should worry. He would tell us if anything was wrong." Jinyoung talked for the first time that evening. All the members exchanged looks. Jinyoung's affirmation didn't sound right in their ears. They knew Jinyoung and Jaebeom's relationship had been strained for years now. 

"I don't know, Jinyoung. I have a feeling we should be worrying." Jackson said. He had never really questioned Jinyoung why he had such antagonizing feelings towards Jaebeom. "After today, I really think we should worry." Jackson saw Jinyoung making a face at it. 

"I think we should stop running after Jaebeom. He clearly doesn't want us. Why do we bother?" Jackson saw Jinyoung trying to keep his face blank. He knew Jinyoung wasn't as indifferent to their leader as he wanted them to believe.

"Jinyoung, look, I know you and Jaebeom had you fall out, but…" Mark began to say, clearly on the same page as Jackson. Both of them knew they would have to confront Jinyoung about it, soon or later. But they wanted to do it in private, when the younger ones wouldn't be present.

"Hyung, you need to see this." Yugyeom interrupted. Jackson was ready to scold the Maknae for interrupting his Hyung when he realized how trembling his voice was. He was immediately worried. He knew how difficult it was to make Yugy distressed.

"What's it, baby?" Youngjae asked, turning around to look at the youngest. Yugyeom had a scared look while looking at his phone. His hands were shaking. He looked a minute from crying. Yugyeom made a gesture for them to come closer. 

The twitter was open in his phone, and he was looking at the trending topics. In the first three spots were hashtags that called their attention. The first one was "Jaebeom deserves better", the second one was "Hangyeol abuser" and the third one was "justice for Jaebeom." 

They looked at each other in astonishment. They didn't know what was happening, but they knew it had something to do with what had happened earlier. So they decided to investigate. 

What they saw made them almost throw up. It was a video of Jaebeom being sexually assaulted in the studio that day. Yugyeom almost let his phone fall in the ground, from how much he was shaking.

"How did this appear on the internet?" Youngjae made the question that everyone was thinking. They decided to investigate more, to see what had happened since they had last been active. 

They found out that one of the staff members had recorded the thing hidden. And then realized it on Pann, in a tentative to show the word how disgusting the Weekly Idol new host was. And she made sure to tell the world that Jaebeom wasn't the first victim.

The fans had taken frame by frame of the video, analyzing every detail. They deciphered every expression Jaebeom had on the recording, and it variated from afraid to terrified to hopeless and pain. They were able to catch every little detail, while claiming for justice. 

It was a horrible video. Mark had tears streaming down his face while watching it. He had hugged himself, trying to find some comfort. Bambam, too, was heavily shaken. Jackson had a death glare on his face, just like Yugyeom. Youngjae had turned his face away, refusing to watch it after the first image. And Jinyoung… Jinyoung was looking away, with a neutral, almost cold look. 

"I think we should call him." Youngjae said, looking at the ground. They needed Jaebeom back home before all hell broke loose. They needed him safe from the paparazzi and other things. They needed to have him in front of them, to make sure he was well. "There's no guarantee that he is aware of what is happening."

"She was probably one of his victims." Mark pointed out. They were all in shock, trying to process. They had received a call from the company for none of them to go out of their dorm unless strictly necessary. And to alert the managers in that case. 

They tried to contact Jaebeom for a long time. Their calls went unanswered. The messages were unread and no one knew where he was. The managers had gone to his studio, but it was empty. They were a minute from freaking out.

Jackson decided to try again. He took his phone and called Jaebeom, praying for all the gods that Jaebeom would answer. After what was like days, Jackson heard Jaebeom's voice on the other side of the call. 

"Hyung?" Jackson asked, while praying for it to be Jaebeom and not someone else, while thanking every God that the call had been answered. But he still kept his tone neutral, he didn't want to startle the other. 

"Yes, Jackson." The unmistakable voice of the leader sounded through the phone. Everyone sagged in relief, they had been so tense, so worried. 

Jackson talked with Jaebeom for a few minutes, trying to gauge where he had been, and then convinced him to come directly home, without telling him what had happened. While they counted the minutes until Jaebeom's arrival they tried to come to a decision on how to tell him about the video.

"We need to be careful," said Mark. They were all sitting in the living room, directly at the entrance hall of the apartment. "He just went through a traumatic experience. He will shut down if we are not careful." 

"Yes, I agree. I think Jackson hyung should be the one to talk to him." Youngjae said. They all fell in silence when they heard a noise in the front door. They knew Jaebeom had arrived.

"Well, let's do it." Jackson said, getting himself ready. He was so apprehensive. "I hope this goes well. For all of our sakes."

…………..

"Jaebeom, good to see you." Said doctor Hyejin. Jaebeom was sitting in front of her, in her clinic. It was a common place for him to be nowadays. Even if he didn't like that. "I mean, I would prefer that you weren't here."

Jaebeom threw her a shaky smile. He was very familiar with her, being her patient for more than four years now. She was the only person he trusted to treat him. He knew she wouldn't leak his personal conditions to the public.

And he felt comfortable around her because she was a beta, a claimed beta. He knew he wouldn't be attacked or anything like that inside her clinic, like he had heard stories from other places.

She paused and looked at him in the face. Her eyes analized his every expression, taking notes of the dark bags under his eyes, on how gaunt his face looked. And how pale he was. He looked really bad.

"Are you okay, Jaebeom? It's the second time in less than two months that you are paying me a visit. And I know it's not because you simply like me." She said, dissipating the tension in the room. She was always good, distracting Jaebeom from his mind turmoils.

Jaebeom threw his head back in laughter. He really likes the way she was always able to sheer him and push the darkness out of his mind. He gave her a smile, but somberly a few seconds after. Deciding to go to the point.

"I am having trouble, doctor. I have been… struggling lately." He said in a low voice, looking at the ground. He felt ashamed of admitting it. Sometimes, he felt really alone in the world. 

Part of it could be blamed on his profession. In the Idol World everyone posed so gracefully, so perfect. He knew it was a lie, a facade, a created image. But, sometimes, he felt like he was the only one who had troubles. 

He didn't know if everyone had gotten away from him, or if he had gotten away from everyone. Sometimes he tried to socialize, make contact with his old idol friends, but it never ended well. People would make fun of his condition, and he would feel like shit. 

He didn't understand why people had the tendency to talk about things they had no knowledge of, nor were any of their business. And Jaebeom, he felt tired. He didn't want to hurt their feelings, nor cause GOT7 any trouble. So he stayed away.

"The mídia would have a field day if I was rude to someone and it got leaked." They won't care about his side of the story. They would simply crucify him. No matter what. It had already happened before.

He had always felt afraid. Afraid that he would be the one that would drag the group down. Most people already didn't like him. They believed he was a bad person behind the scenes. That he wasn't part of the pack because of it.

So, he always made thrice the effort in front of the cameras. He would like to say that he didn't care about what people thought about him, but it would be a lie. He hadn't spent years as a trainee to lose all his career because of misunderstandings.

He tried to show to his fans his human side. Not only his idol image, but a person with emotions. He tried to become the safe place people that were struggling might need. He knows how it's like to be rejected by what you are.

So he had decided to focus on other things. Making music, modeling, photography, painting. Everything that he could do alone or with few people. People that wouldn't judge him. He stopped attending social parties that other idols threw. 

He had distanced himself even from his members. The motives were alike, but different. Their jokes hurted much more than most of the other things. Sometimes, he wanted to scream at them. Tell them "look at me, really look at me".

And he would avoid them because he felt he couldn't stay closer without doing something he might regret later. 

He was jerked from the daydream when the doctor reclined her chair, making noise in the very quiet ambient. She asked: "What kind of struggles?" A pen in her hand where she annotated everything in a paper block. Jaebeom knew it was only his.

His mind worked fast, trying to remember everything he had to say to her. "I am having trouble singing. I can't catch the dance moves fast enough, as I used to catch. I am having trouble concentrating and ratiocinating. " He said everything in almost one breath, so he wouldn't forget about it.

"I am forgetting things too. I had to check my schedule five times yesterday. I used to not even have to check it at all." He remembered how lost he had felt when he tried to remember what he had to do but couldn't.

"And I heard two staff workers complaining about a strange laboratory's scent. I think it was coming from me." He said, finishing explaining his problems. He knew that when a suppressant began to lose its effectiveness, the person began to exhale a strange scent. People rarely realized that it was a scent coming from a person. Normally they would confuse that with medicine.

And he was extremely nervous. What had happened in the weekly idol recording had left him on edge.

Doctor Hyejin looked at him for a long while, contemplating what he had said. Lastly, she got up and walked to a wood closet that stayed behind her desk. "I will need a few blood tests from you. I need to know how bad your hormones were messed up since you last came here." She approached Jaebeom with a syringe, while he took out his coat to give him access.

After taking a sample of his blood, doctor Hyejin walked away, leaving Jaebeom all by himself. He felt his mind wander while he looked out of the window. What had happened that day had really traumatized Jaebeom.

"I thought I was safe. Being a defective beta and all." He had really believed that. But he was proven wrong in the worst way. He had panicked really badly. All he could do was stay still. So he wouldn't cause a scene.

He felt hopeless again. It was that day all over again. He wanted to cry, but he held his tears. "You are stronger than that. You know you are." He told himself that over and over again.

An indefinite time later, Jaebeom was brought back to reality by the door opening and closing. He turned around to see Hyejin walking to the desk with a few papers in her hand. His exam results. She sat down and looked at him in the eye.

"Jaebeom, like we already expected, your suppressants are stopping working." She said seriously. Jaebeom had suspected it, but he still felt disappointed with himself. He felt it was his body betraying him all over again.

"You know what it means. This suppressant you are currently using is the strongest sold here in Korea. Luckily, I was already expecting something like this. So I made a formal request to the Security Department, two months ago, so we could import a newer and stronger suppressant for you. I showed them your documentation and circumstances. So it was accepted and may arrive by next week. I will send it to your studio then."

Jaebeom sighs, putting his head in his hands. He knew it was bad. He nodded to the doctor, telling her he understood. He was in a bad situation. He tried to think how he would hide it from the company. To have the justice involved without his company knowing… 

"And Jaebeom, these things you told me, they will continue to get worse as long as you keep taking suppressants." Jaebeom looked at her questionly. He didn't know what she was talking about. And his fears only kept growing.

"You will begin to lose your voice until you will be unable to sing. Hormonal imbalance affects very much the voice. And you will feel even more distant and will have a lot of trouble focusing on things. You will feel more unstable, while the suppressant will continue to cause more internal damage."

Jaebeom was confused. His mind wasn't being able to process what she was talking. "What do you mean? I won't be able to continue being an Idol?" He felt suddenly scared and terrified. He loved to sing, he didn't want to give it up. He didn't want to give GOT7 up.

Doctor Hyejin sensed his distress. She got up and walked to Jaebeom, putting a hand in his shoulder. "What I am saying, Jaebeom, is that you will need to choose. No suppressant was made to be taken all life. They began to make more worse than good. And this new you will begin to take, it is even worse than the others." She knelt down to look him in the eyes.

"You will probably feel more nauseated, dizzy and all. You will have more difficulty falling asleep, and you will feel more detached. Difficult to fall asleep may happen too, insomnia and all of this." She said. It was not comforting feeling, to be told that 

"I don't know if I should say this, but you should stop taking it. I understand your situation, but you should stop. I think it's better if you raise your head and fight your problems face to face." She had a point, Jaebeom knew it. He was hiding behind a mask for years. But it always had been easier that way.

But he was too terrified. He feared what consequences it would have to him if everyone found out. A flashback from what had happened that morning came to his mind. He knew he would be much susceptible to that kind of comportament if he stopped taking them.

When doctor Hyejin saw him shaking his head, she got up. She sat down in the chair behind her desk. She looked at him and said: "You still have time, use it to ponder about it."

They stayed quiet for some time. Jaebeom was lost in thoughts while Hyejin kept her distance, giving him space to sort his feelings. After a while, she began to talk again. "And there's another thing, Jaebeom. I solicited that your requirement be kept under secrecy. But it may happen that a journalist or something find out about that and throw it for the public." She stopped to take a sip at the glass water she was holding.

Jaebeom felt his blood freezing in his veins. His eyes were wide, and he felt himself begin to panic. He hadn't even thought about it. Sweat began to collect in his brow. The thought of it coming to the public...

The doctor, seeing him almost panic, came closer again. "Breath, Jaebeom. Everything is okay." She repeated it until he was calm again. She felt almost guilt for bringing that up, but she knew he needed to know the possibilities. He needed to be warned.

"I know this is terrifying, but you need to know this. Legally, I don't think we will have any trouble. Your lawyer had been working diligently on this. But the public… that's another story. They will want to know why a supposed beta is importing strong suppressants." She stopped and looked outside, through the window.

"I mean, some betas do take suppressants, when their beta heat is being too much. But not the ones you are taking. People will recognize it." Jaebeom felt like she was only throwing salt at his wounds. But he knew she was right, even if he prefered to be kept in the dark about it.

Jaebeom rested himself against the chair again. He had been resting his elbows in his knees, trying to keep his breath under control. "Looks like I will lose in any scenario." He was bitter. And he was angry. With himself and the ones who had put him in that situation in the first place.

He felt himself deflate. He had hoped to keep that part of himself in secret. He technically knew that he didn't own anything to no one. But he dreaded to be judged by the consequences of something he couldn't control.

"And the worst thing would be your members finding out by the mídia. I don't think you will be able to mend your relationship with them if that happens. They will be too betrayed to hear anything else." She forced herself to continue. Hyejin didn't want to cause him pain, but she needed to make him understand. 

"So I tell you, Jaebeom. Talk to them, tell them the truth. Then stop taking these suppressants. Form a healthy enough environment so you can finally be yourself. You are the only one who can decide on this. It's your life, after all." Jaebeom was cetic. He believed that it would bring him more pain than anything else.

"It's not so simple." He thought. He knew that if he decided to do this, he would be disturbing a perfect balanced place. Everyone already had an stabilised role in the pack, he would be only an outsider. 

"If they are kind enough to accept you after everything." He had doubts about it. His members were the kindest people he had ever met. But even their kindness had limits. They wouldn't like to find out that he had hidden things from them.

Jaebeom shook his head, throwing away the thoughts that were in his head. He was too on edge from what had happened that morning to think about that. So he only smiled at the doctor and said his goodbyes.

He needed to go home and relax. He felt anxiety in his stomach, and he closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. When he opened again, he took his things and walked away from the clinic.

…………….

When Jaebeom stepped out of the clinic, he let out a sigh. He was sad with what he had heard. He had hoped things would be better for him, but it seemed that it wasn't the case. 

"You have your time counted." He heard his mind telling him. He felt so much sadness. His face crumpled in anguish. He doubled over himself, suddenly having difficulty breathing. 

He felt tears streaming down his face, sobs wretched itself from his throat. He stayed like that for minutes, gasping for air. He heard his phone vibrating, but he ignored it. It was bad, to have almost three panic attacks in a day. He tried to keep himself calm.

"Get your shit together." He heard his mind talking to him. He was having a panic attack in the middle of the street. If anyone recognized him and recorded it… 

Jaebeom felt even worse. He knew that thinking in the what ifs were not a good idea when his emotional state were like this. But he couldn't stop overthinking. 

After more or less twenty minutes, Jaebeom was able to put his breath under control. He was sitting in an alley, with his head resting on the wall behind him. His lungs were in pain, like he had run a marathon.

He heard his phone vibrating again. And, this time, he took it. He almost dropped it to the ground when he saw almost fifty missed calls. And almost all were from the members. Some were from the company, while the others were from his family and friends. He attended the phone the next time it ranged. 

"Hyung?" Jackson's voice sounded on the other side of the call. Jaebeom was surprised, he wasn't expecting Jackson to call. One of the maknaes, maybe. But not the pack leader.

"Yes, Jackson?" He forced his voice to sound stable and strong. He feared that the raspiness in his voice would denounce that he had been crying. So he took deep breaths. A long pause sounded on the other side,as if Jackson was contemplating what to say.

"Where are you, Hyung? We tried to get a hold on you for hours now." Jackson asked in a neutral tone. Jaebeom always admired Jackson's ability to hide his emotions. He wished he had it too.

"I am…" Jaebeom stopped himself. He couldn't tell that he was in a subgender dynamic clinic. So he tried to come up with an excuse, a lie. He hated to lie to his members, but he felt it was necessary. "I am in my studio right now, Jackson." 

He was glad his voice didn't wave. He felt like he was getting even better at lying and hiding things. He knew he shouldn't be proud of it, but he couldn't help himself. He already had too many lies buried to simply care about one more.

"Really? But our manager went there and didn't find you there." Jaebeom could hear the incredulity in the alpha's voice. He felt desperation took him when he tried to come up with an excuse. He almost lost hope and admitted his lie when an idea popped in his mind.

"I went to the convenience store. I was hungry." He said with almost relief in his voice. It would be bad if Jackson caught him in the lie. Everyone would begin to mistrust him. And he couldn't let it happen.

"Oh, I see. You need to come back to the dorm, Hyung. Something happened." Jackson said, accepting Jaebeom's answer. Jaebeom almost let out a sigh of relief, but the urgency in the other's voice caught his attention. 

"What? Is everything okay, Jackson?" Jaebeom felt his leader persona being activated. His protective instincts took control. He felt fear. "Has anything happened to any of the boys?" He questioned himself in worry.

"Just come home, Hyung. As fast as you can." Jackson said and hung up, without giving a chance for Jaebeom to answer. Jaebeom knew it was a way to not prolong the conversation, so he could go home faster.

He got up from the ground, wondering what was happening. He remembered that he saw calls from his parents too. And from his non idol friends, and they didn't have a habit of calling him when they knew he was working. So he knew something must be very wrong.

He called a taxi, while physically forcing himself to not check any social media while waiting. He realized that whatever had happened was probably on the internet. There was no way his friends would have known otherwise. 

After the taxi arrived and he gave the address, Jaebeom felt himself feel anxious again. He had a dreaded feeling in his stomach. And a part of himself wondered if he had ever felt well. All his late memories were plagued with dread, anxiety, fear, loneliness, everything that could be considered bad. 

He had lost the sense of intimacy with everyone in his life. Even with his mother. He loved her so dearly, but couldn't talk about the things that were inside his brain. He couldn't make himself talk. His throat would always close, and his words would be stuck.

The only time he felt he could express himself was through his songs. So they all had a melancholic feel to it. It made it difficult for him to perform them on stage. He felt so raw, sometimes. Like his feelings were about to jump from inside of him.

All the journey back to the dorm was spent with Jaebeom worrying. Jaebeom had always worried for the members. Ever since he was chosen as leader. There was a moment that he had felt so drained, like his thoughts were only for them. And that he couldn't even take care of himself. Mainly in GOT7's first two years. 

He had spent the last almost five years in a dark pit. With no way out. He forced himself to put a step in front of the other while being unable to enjoy the success. He felt responsible because he had been the one to suggest them to change companies. For him, it would be his fault if they failed. 

Every time things like this happens he feels dread. Scandals were scary and terrifying. He didn't know what had happened, but he knew some kind of scandal was going on. Jackson wouldn't have called him otherwise.

It was such a sad realization, that the members only called him when they needed "Leader JB". They hardly called him to chat anymore. None of them. He didn't remember the last time he had a meaningful conversation with any of them. 

His daydreams were interrupted when the taxi arrived at the dorm's building. He stilled himself, getting ready to go upstairs. He walked slowly, thinking of all possibilities. He was grateful that he hadn't met any neighbor during his walk. When he reached the entrance door, he hesitated before unlocking it and entering.

He walked to the living room, trying to keep calm. When he entered the room, he found all the members sitting together on the couch. All of them had similar dark faces, and Jaebeom felt afraid. 

"Hello. What happened?" He asked and stayed in the same place, afraid to get closer. He had a very bad feeling about it. He saw Jackson and Mark exchanging glances. The maknaes were looking down, while Jinyoung had a stone cold expression. 

"A footage of us in Weekly Idol was leaked." Mark said, taking the leading. He had a neutral face while talking. Jaebeom was confused, it shouldn't be a problem. It would be released anyway.

"But is this a problem? It would be released anyway." He asked, confused of why it was a problem to them. He saw them exchanging glances again. This time, Jackson took the lead.

"Because, Hyung, it was footage of you being assaulted." Jackson said, his voice tight and controlled. The other members all winced with the tone in their pack leader voice. "And it's trending worldwide now."

Jaebeom felt the color being drained from his face.. His heartbeat suddenly spiked, and he felt he was going to pass out. He stretched his hand, trying to support his weight in the wall at his side. He saw the others looking unsure, as if they didn't know if they should approach him or not.

"What… how…?" He gasped a few minutes later, his voice sounded harsh and shallow in his own ears. He rested his shoulder against the wall and put his face in his hand. 

"We don't know. We only know that a staff member released the clip and it blew up." Mark answered with a soft voice. He didn't like to see his best friend like that. He felt like his hands were tied and he knew he couldn't do anything.

He stayed like that for a while. He felt himself slipping, entering in a void mind space. He couldn't feel nothing, couldn't think about nothing. He felt himself slipping in a shocked state.

"Hyung?" He heard Bambam's voice penetrating the emptiness in his head. He looked up, seeing everyone looking at him. He got up from the floor, he hadn't even realized he had sat down. His legs were shaking, and he feared it wouldn't support him.

"I need… I need… to go." He gasped out. He felt he was going into a full panic attack. And he didn't want his members to see him like that, weak and worthless. He wanted to be strong, but that was too much.

"Why didn't you told us, Hyung?" He heard Jackson asking, while Jaebeom stumbled unsteadily through the room. He stopped and looked up. Jaebeom couldn't decipher the emotions in their eyes. "We would have done something. I am the pack leader, I could have asked for some punishment for him."

"The thing is Sseunie, I am not part of your pack." The words were harsh, but his tone was sad. Almost depressive. All eyes were focused on him. Jaebeom looked down, his skin was almost crawling with all the attention he was receiving. And he didn't like that kind of attention. It made him feel unworthy, like he was the one who made something wrong. And it didn't help with his anxiety. "There's nothing you could have done. I am packless, so I am subject to these kinds of treatments."

Jaebeom felt sick of even admitting it. It was common knowledge that packless persons were treated badly. Because they didn't have the protection of a mate. Jaebeom has always been left alone because he was a scentless beta. Sexual predators felt creeped out because of it.

"Until now," he thought. What had happened today only worked to strengthen his determination to keep taking his suppressants, no matter what. He felt terrified of what would happen to him without them.

He saw Jackson looking at him from the corner of the room. He had walked there, as if trying to keep his mind clear. Jaebeom couldn't blame him. The situation was stressful enough. And he had yet to analyze how this will impact the group's image negatively.

"Do you want to be?" Jackson asked after whispering something in Mark's ears. Jaebeom blinked tiredly, having lost track of the conversation. He felt like he could sleep all year. He knew it was not healthy, but he hadn't been healthy for years. "Do you want to be part of our pack?" Jackson clarified after seeing his confused face.

Jaebeom was extremely surprised. He felt almost overwhelmed. It was a miracle that they had even decided to invite him. He believed it was not genuine, but he praised them for the effort.

"Who will want to have someone like me in the pack?" He thought with self disgust. He had lost hope for it years ago. He was too destroyed to be with anyone else. Too messed up. He would never be able to be what they wanted him to be.

"Yes, yes, yes." It was what his mind clamored. He would give everything to be part of a pack. Not whatever pack, but GOT7 one. He wanted it so much, desired even.

Jaebeom felt his conflicting emotions. He wanted to be part of a pack but believed he would never be accepted, he was danified after all. And he just loved them too much to be a burden. He had too many secrets that would destroy their relationship if it ever comes to light.

"No, I can't. It's better if I stay away." He answered Jackson, declining the invitation. He saw Jinyoung glaring at him from the other side of the room. It was the first time since the meeting had begun that Jinyoung had shown any kind of reaction. Then he threw Jackson a look and said "I hope it's settled now", before getting up and walking away.

Jaebeom saw Mark frowning toward the place where Jinyoung had disappeared. Jackson had a displeased face, while the others looked awkward and bewildered. Jaebeom didn't understand what was happening, but he knew it had to do with his refusal. He felt his throat closing, and his eyes filled with water. His body was trembling, almost shaking, from his suppressed desire for crying.

"I… my room… " he forced out through his closed throat, after he heard someone calling his name. He felt too raw to keep having this conversation. Jinyoung's reaction had ripped the bandage of a poorly healed wound. 

Nobody stopped him when he stumbled towards the dorm's corridor. He forced his legs to keep supporting him until he reached his room. After he closed the doors, he collapsed. He put his hand in his mouth trying to muffle the sobs that were being wretched from his innermost places. He was crying so loud that he feared the neighbors would hear him. 

After he was done, he stayed on the ground. His head resting against the closed door, his muscles aching badly from being so tensed. He felt about giving up, resigning from the group. It was clear from Jinyoung's reaction that he was not welcome there anymore. 

He crawled towards the bed and lied down. He was so tired, so numb… His breath was shallow, and his lungs were tight. He knew it was not a good thing. He had hyperventilated almost four times in a day. It was bad, really bad. It was a signal that his health was deteriorating fast. But he wanted to sleep. He felt his eyes closing… 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Jaebeom's health is getting worse. And the his traumatic experience was leaked to the public. The pack finally realized that Jaebeom is not well, and tried to make something about it. Even if they have no idea what to do.
> 
> Next chapter Jaebeom will deal with the repercussions of what happened, and the repercussions of his own choices. And a much needed conversation between the pack members will take place.
> 
> Please, comment, review. Tell me what you think.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaebeom falls deeper into depression. And the members try to figure him out.  
> Jinyoung is confronted about his behaviour toward Jaebeom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise!!!!!  
> Two chapters in an week. This is a new record.
> 
> Normally I write the chapters of my two fics simultaneously. It is a way I avoid author's block. But this time I reached a wall in Love's Melody so I decided to focus exclusively on this chapter. So here it is.
> 
> This chapter contains suicide mentions, wrong use of medications and discussion of male pregnancy and abortion. Read with caution.
> 
> Don't forget to comment and review.

Jaebeom was completely drained. He was lying on the bed without strength. It was hours after he had arrived at the dorm. He was lying face down, his muscles completely without energy. He let his limbs at his side, the exhaustion taking its toll on him.

Silently tears were still streaming, but his sobs had stopped a while ago, for his lack of strength. He had woken up after a few hours of an unrestful sleep, showered with nightmares. His head was aching badly, and his vision was blurred. He felt like his head was getting ripped in two. He could barely keep his eyes open. 

His mind replayed every second of that day, and it was a never ending torture. Beginning from the nightmare he had until Jinyoung's words. A small part of him was happy that he declined Jackson's offer, even if accepting the offer was what he wanted most. He knew he would cause distress to Jinyoung if he had accepted. And he didn't want to cause more pain to the younger.

"You already caused him so much pain," his mind told him in despair. It was one of the reasons he avoided Jinyoung, he was simply trying to grant him his wish. Jinyoung didn't want to see him anymore, and Jaebeom made everything possible to avoid the other. Jinyoung had said he didn’t have time for him anymore, that he had a pack to take care of.

"Which you are not a part of." Jaebeom had read clearly the unsaid words in Jinyoung's eyes. It was obvious that Jinyoung would never accept him after his mistakes. 

"Why would he? He already has five other amazing persons in his life. Why would he spend any energy on someone like me?" Jaebeom felt the need to cry, but he had already spent everything inside of him. He was just an empty shell now. "I am just too much trouble to be worth anything." 

"Breath, Jaebeom, breath," he remembered himself. Even if a small part of him wished he could stop doing exactly that. 

After he had woken up, he had looked at the internet, to see how bad it was. He had immediately puked at the floor after what he saw. " _ It's so horrible"  _ he thought, " _ to be humiliated and exposed like this."  _ His body was trembling in fear. Fear of the future. 

He had turned his phone off. His parents and friends were still calling non stop. But he didn't have energy to do anything now. He could only lie down, his mind far away in a dark pit of pain. 

He could barely raise his arms, the panic attacks he had that day had sucked all his energy. He knew it was bad, really bad, he had never had that many attacks in only one day. But he had nowhere to run, no one to go. He had to endure the consequences of his decisions. No matter how much time had passed. 

Jaebeom was confused with his own thoughts. Half the time they didn’t make sense for him. And that was one of these moments.

He distantly realized that he was hungry. But he had no condition of getting up right now. He only kept his eyes closed, remembering himself to breath. His heart was bleeding. If he wasn't that drained, maybe he would think of doing the unthinkable.

"You should leave the group, permanently." His mind told him. He knew it would destroy the part of him that was still living if he did that. But he felt he was reaching a point of no return. And there were always the other options. 

He was awakened from his dread thoughts by a knock on the door. He tried to raise his head, but the numbness in his neck muscles prevented him from moving. He tried to tell the person to go away, but no voice came out. 

He had realized that the dorm was too quiet. There was a stifling on the air that had never been present before. It was like everyone was holding their breath. Jaebeom wondered why. He had no idea why it was like that. "Are they wondering about the impact of the scandal?" He thought, find an acceptable reason.

The person, taking his silence as an invitation, opened the door and entered. The steps were light, as expected from a dancer. Jaebeom immediately recognized who had come to visit him.

"Hyung?" Bambam asked softly. He had the care to keep his voice low and soft. He didn't want to startle Jaebeom if he was still asleep. But he felt the need to check on him. To see how he was feeling.

Jaebeom grunted, this time his voice worked a little. He was feeling cold now, from how much his clothes were drenched in sweat. He didn't want nobody to see him like this, but his lack of energy prevented him from sending the second youngest away. 

Jaebeom heard the steps approaching the bed after Bambam closed the bedroom's door. Then he felt the mattress dipping, and a few moments later Bambam was lying down behind him. 

Jaebeom felt his throat closing and a new set of tears began to fall. He thought that he had no more tears to cry, but he was wrong. He felt like his insides were being ripped apart from emotions. His body began to tremble slightly when Bambam put his arms around him in a tight hug.

"How long has it been? Since I was hugged like it?" He wondered, tiredly. He remembered that Bambam had the habit of doing it, before he presented. Then he stopped. He probably felt creeped out by Jaebeom’s lack of scent, he knew. He probably did that with his mates now, Jaebeom realized. Part of him felt like he was dreaming. His eyes were still closed, and he had no desire to open them. "If it is a dream, I don't want it to stop."

The only thing proving him that it was no dream was the constant pain in his lungs, stomach, limbs, head and heart. Everything was hurting. And Bambam hugging him made everything even more painful. It was a burning kind of pain, like he was being consumed from inside out.

"Are you… How are you feeling, Hyung." Bambam asked in a strangled voice. He was going to ask if Jaebeom was okay, but decided against it. It was obvious that Jaebeom wasn't well. The wetness in his clothes, the way his body was trembling and the fact that he had yet to turn around to look at him told him enough about the older's state right now. 

"I feel like I want to be dead." Jaebeom forced the words out with a harsh whisper. He didn't want to lie to Bambam, not when he already had to lie every day, constantly. He felt Bambam tensing, his arms wrapping around him more tightly. 

"Why would you want to be dead? Is it because of today, or something else?" Bambam asked carefully. He didn't want to cause more distress to his Hyung, so he nested his head in the back of Jaebeom's neck. He was kind of scenting him, even if the other wouldn't be able to know it. 

"We still have so much to do as a group and as individuals, Hyung. Please, don't let go now." Bambam said after it became obvious that Jaebeom wasn't going to answer. He wasn't expecting an answer, either. But he tried to put the leader up as much as he could. "I don't have any idea of how much pain you are right now, Jaebeom hyung. But you have already come so far. And, one day, all the pain will be in the past."

Jaebeom felt a weak sob coming out, he didn't know how he could still cry. But Bambam's words hit so close to his heart that he couldn't stop himself. He had always yearned to hear something like that, but he never hoped. 

The biggest part of his soul didn't believe it. He still feels like he is going to fade away until there will be nothing left. But the words were so sweet that he couldn't stop himself from bringing them to his heart. Even more because he knew Bambam meant every word. 

He felt a sudden desire to feel Bambam’s warmth. He tried to resist, but the heat on his back proved to be too much. He wanted to rest his head on Bambam’s neck. He wanted to have the other’s arms around him, in a proper hug.

So he tried to turn around, but his arms couldn't support his weight. He fell back down on the mattress. Bambam, seeing his struggle, laid on his back and used his hands to turn Jaebeom around. Once he was safely in Bambam's arms, he buried his face in the beta's neck. He didn't want the other seeing the state his face and eyes were in. "It's probably a sorry sight," Jaebeom shuddered in thought. 

They stayed like that for a while, in silence. Bambam was combing Jaebeom's hair, massaging his scalp. While his other hand was on Jaebeom's waist, keeping him close. Jaebeom stayed still, remembering himself to only keep breathing. 

"You don't need to focus on anything else. Just keep breathing." Jaebeom told himself over and over again until he could only focus on Bambam's heartbeat and his own breath. It made him feel a little better, like he could finally rest a little. The anxiety on his stomach decreasing.

"We were worried about you, for months now." Bambam spoke softly after he felt Jaebeom relaxing a little. He didn't want to overwhelm the older, but he wanted to make Jaebeom understand that he could trust them. "Yugyeom wanted to see you, but me and Youngjae thought that it would be better if a beta came instead of an alpha. We thought you wouldn't appreciate it. So here I am."

Jaebeom nodded to himself. It would really feel uncomfortable to have an alpha in his safe space. Some days, even his mother’s presence made his anxiety spike. It was a really uncomfortable reaction that he wasn’t able to get ridden of. She understood that, so she kept a certain distance normally. With Yugyeom there would be no difference. The only difference was that Jaebeom was good at pretending.

Jaebeom looked up, towards Bambam’s face. He felt a sudden urge to kiss the younger in the mouth, but he reigned himself. He found it hard to believe that they had been worried about him. Like Jinyoung had said, they had a pack to take care of, they didn't have the time to worry about an outsider. He nodded even if he didn't believe it. He didn't want to hurt the other's feelings.

"They are all acting like that because you are their charity case." His traitorous mind said, remembering him his place. "By next week, they all will have forgotten about you again, just like Jinyoung."

"Why did you refuse Jackson hyung's offer to join our pack?" Bambam asked, unaware of Jaebeom's internal monologues. He wanted to know why. "We would be able to protect you from this kind of behavior. Incidents like the one that had happened today won’t repeat itselves."

From a distance, it looked so simple. But Jaebeom knew better. He knew that he would never be accepted once his secrets had come to light. He would have no place in a pack, on any pack. Nobody would want a danified person there. 

What no one knew was that Jaebeom's struggles run much deeper. He wasn't a simple danified beta. He was a person that was unable to do what his biology was made to do. And there's no way he could explain this to Bambam without revealing too much. He wasn't ready to have this conversation.

And there was the fact that Jinyoung would never accept him in the pack. His words earlier showed precisely it. Jinyoung saying his answer had settled was his way of telling his pack to not make that offer again. To let him go. It was as clear as day for Jaebeom. 

And Jaebeom felt so hurt. Even if it was not for all his others reasons, he could never accept Jackson's offer because of it. He had to respect Jinyoung’s wishes. He loved him too much to not to. 

Jaebeom accepted he would probably always be in love with Jinyoung. No matter the huge fallen down they have had. Jinyoung was such an important part of his being that he couldn't never let go, no matter what. And a part of him didn't really wish to let him go. 

He remembered how soft the other had been when they were young. Jaebeom still could see that softness when Jinyoung was with the pack. The utter love he has for his mates. Jaebeom would never be able to make the pack choose between him or Jinyoung. So he pushed himself out of the way.

He had remembered trying to mend their relationship during Verse 2 era. He remembered trying to reach the other, to offer a peace treaty. Only for it to backfire spectacularly in his face. Jinyoung had said so many things. Things that Jaebeom was unaware of. He remembered feeling mute, without having anything to say.

He had never realized that he had hurted Jinyoung so badly. But he couldn't even say sorry, either. There were just too many secrets between them for his apology to mean something. So he swallowed his feelings. He hadn't even been aware that the other had called him when he was in the hospital, during his vacation. He had so many things on his mind at that time. And his mother had been focusing completely on his recovery. So she kind of forgot to mention it. 

"He is happy now, this is what matters most." For the next months, this was the phrase he repeated daily. He had decided to avoid the other, always sensing a tension between them. It was like walking on eggshells. But Jaebeom forgave Jinyoung every time. He couldn't stop himself.

He had been so caught up in his own pain that he forgot Jinyoung's. And the worst thing was that his relationship with Jinyoung had always been special, different. He loved all six of them, but his love for Jinyoung was different, deeper. They had such a big story, a big past. They had been together for so long.

During his trainee days, he didn't know what that strange feeling was. That desire to be always close, to know everything about the other. To hug, to kiss. To share every moment of the day together. To travel the world and share beautiful pictures. He didn't know what it was. But then, he began to realize. It was much more than a simple teenage crush.

In the past, he had stopped seeing himself and Jinyoung as two separate persons. They were one. Whenever one goes, the other would go too. It had been a known knowledge that they would have a future together. That they would mate, form a pack. Until everything had fallen down. He had kept a small hope in his heart that their relationship could be repaired until Jinyoung had said he didn't have time for him anymore. It had shattered his will, his hope, his emotions and his resilience. 

The boy that had relied so much on him had grown up. Had found his love and his identity. Had moved on. While Jaebeom stayed behind, was left behind. Desperately trying to gather the shattered pieces of himself. 

"I hope you all burn in the seven hells," he thought in his head to the people who had made him like this. He avoided thinking about these things, but he couldn't help himself, sometimes. But he knew it wasn't healthy 

"I can't, Bambam, because there are just too many things you guys are unaware." Jaebeom decided to answer directly, without having to lie. But not saying the truth either. For him, it was the safest approach. "And once you guys find out, your opinions regarding me will be very different."

Bambam made a strange noise in the back of his throat and hugged Jaebeom closer. He always had a soft spot to their leader, it was one of the reasons he teased him so much. But he stopped when he felt how thin the older had become. Bambam was able to feel almost every bone in Jaebeom’s body. 

"I don't think so, Hyung. I think you misunderstand us." His voice was low and cozy, if such a thing was possible. It was like he was trying to flirt with Jaebeom. Which, for Jaebeom, was an insane thought. "I even used scent blockers so I won't let your room smell like me."

This made Jaebeom finally lift his head. He forgot the state of his face and eyes. He even forgot the numbness in his neck, or any other tiredness. He looked surprised at Bambam. He didn't know nobody else had scent blockers in the dorm. Bambam winked at him in return. 

They stayed there, enjoying each other's companion for a while. Until Bambam realized that Jaebeom was a little bit warmer than normal. His breath was heavy, and he sounded exhausted beyond acceptable. “It must be the panic attack, That drained him this way.” Bambam realized. 

“Do you want something to eat, Hyung.” Bambam asked with care. He knew Jaebeom had probably not eaten since earlier that day. So he offered it hoping to make him feel better. Until he remembered that Jaebeom didn’t even eat breakfast that morning with them. “Did he even ate today?” He asked himself, worried.

He remembered hearing Jackson telling them that Jaebeom had gone out of his studio to eat something in the convenience store, and it was the reason no one was able to reach him. But Bambam had a feeling that Jaebeom had eaten nothing that day. And his instincts were normally right.

“I don’t think I will be able to eat right now.” Jaebeom admitted after staying in silence for a few minutes. He didn't want to say that out loud, but Bambam would need an answer. “I don’t think I can even lift my arms. And my stomach is very agitated.” He winced with the alarmed expression on the younger’s face.

“Do you need to go to the hospital, Hyung?” Bambam was afraid now. He knew their leader was tired, but he had no idea that it was that extreme. He kept combing Jaebeom’s hair in a slight try to make the other feel better. “We saw him have two panic attacks, no wonder he looks so devastated.” Bambam was frowning.

“No, it's okay, Bam.” Jaebeom made an effort to raise his head and give the other a smile. It was the most genuine smile he could muster. He indeed felt a little bit better, by having the younger’s company. “I am used to it,” he said without thinking.

It was only the horror stricken expression on Bambam’s face that made him realize what he had implied. It was the truth, but he didn’t want nobody to know it. He felt his face growing red with embarrassment. And he tried to come up with an excuse for why he said that. 

“You are used to it? Hyung…” Bambam’s words were full of incredulity. He didn’t understand how Jaebeom could be so natural about it. Jaebeom sounded extremely resigned, Bambam realized. It was like it was a big part of his life now, be assaulted and have panic attacks. “... I don’t even know what to say.” Bambam sounded so lost.

“It’s okay, Bamie.” Jaebeom said, after he took a deep breath, weakly raising to his elbow and resting his head in his hand. To look at Bambam. He forced his voice to come low and strong, to comfort Bambam. No matter that his lungs screamed in protest when he took that deep breath. He felt his breath small and puffy, from the physical effort he made. Jaebeom felt pathetic for being reduced to this mess. “Look at the weakling you are,” he told himself with harshness. “I am fine,” he told Bambam out loud.

“Okay, then.” Bambam said after a moment of looking closely at Jaebeom’s face. He didn’t believe him, but seeing his leader struggling to raise himself and how his breath was short, he decided to let it go. For now. The moment was for supporting him completely, not for demand answers that he didn’t want to give. 

“I will go find something for you to eat.” Bambam said. He threw a look at Jaebeom when the leader decided to open his mouth. “You need to eat. You are a little warmer than normal, and I know you have a headache. You have kept your eyes almost closed for the entire time I have been here.”

Bambam sat up on bed with Jaebeom still on his arms. In those moments, Bambam really realized how thin Jaebeom had become. He had basically no effort to lift the older. Not that he had any experience lifting Jaebeom. But, compared to his pack mates, Jaebeom was weighing almost nothing. It made him worried, since Jaebeom was the second tallest in the group. 

He put Jaebeom sitting in the bed’s headboard, with the strict instruction to not move. Bambam had offered him help to change clothes, as his clothes were completely wet with sweat. But Jaebeom’s eyes had grown panicked, and his body grew restless. Bambam had immediately backed down. He saw the other had gone to an edge of another panic attack. And he knew Jaebeom had no strength to go through another one now. Bambam could see the state he was in. He would probably land on a hospital bed if that happened. With a heart failure or respiratory failure.

“I will find something light for you to eat.” Bambam said after putting Jaebeom in a more comfortable position. “Then I can ask Jinyoung for some meds for your fever and headache.” Bambam said, and stiffened one second later. He really forgot to not mention Jinyoung’s name right now. He looked at Jaebeom with widened eyes. 

“You don’t need to censor your mate’s name, Bamie.” There was some kind of sad, bitter tone in Jaebeom’s voice. He looked dt his lat, avoiding eye contact. Bambam nodded and walked away from the room, going to the kitchen.

  
  


…………

  
  


When Bambam reached the kitchen, he saw Youngjae and Yugyeom lying on the nest in the living room. He went directly at the cabinets, with the intention of doing a vegetable soup. He began to catch the things he would need. A pan, water, vegetables, spices and other things. When he put the water to boil, he heard steps approaching, before two very distinct scents reached his nostrils. He recognized them immediately, having been living with them for almost six years now.

The funny thing about scents was that each subgender had its own peculiarities. The base notes of smell, for alphas, were always something woodsy. While for betas it was always something with leaves. And for omegas were everything that was not the ones used for the other subgenders. It was normally something sweet, that made all the other subgenders’ mouth water.

The smell of forest and cedarwood attacked his senses first. It was the distinctive scent of an alpha. Bambam’s best friend, to be more specific. And the second scent was lemon and vanilla, another scent that Bambam loved. This one was a beta’s scent. 

Bambam jumped slightly when two arms hugged his waist from behind. He felt Yugyeom nuzzling against his neck, like a cat. He almost let the pan fall on the ground in surprise. He put the things in the sink and turned around, ready to scold the younger. 

“Yugyeom, I am trying to make some soup for Jaebeom hyung and you are here, bothering me.” Bambam said, with a mocking frown. He saw Yugyeom blushing by the mocking scold, and Bambam felt satisfied knowing he was one of the only persons to be able to make him blush.

“How is he, Bamie?” Youngjae asked, coming to the sink to help Bambam cook. Yugyom looked worried too, now. Bambam shook his head, trying to keep his emotions in check. He knew it was useless, since the other two could easily read his emotions from his scent. He was feeling so overwhelmed now that he wasn’t in the room with Jaebeom anymore. He gulped the knot in his throat, trying to keep his tears at bay.

Youngjae and Yugyeom exchanged looks, surprised with Bambam's sudden display of emotions. It was kind of rare to see Bambam in tears. Even for them. So they decided to hug him, putting the things on their hands away. “What’s wrong, Bamie?” Yugyeom asked 

“He said… '' He stopped shortly, his tears finally overwhelming him. He felt the drops sliding down his face when he finally realized the enormity of what Jaebeom had said. He felt sobs coming out, thinking about a life without the other. He felt he couldn’t bear it. “He said he wants to die.” He forced it out.

Youngjae let out a gasp at hearing it, he suddenly felt overwhelmed too. He clinged at Bambam, trying to comfort and be comforted at the same time. Yugyeom froze, he was between scream and hit the first wall he could reach. But, in the end, decided to put his arms around the two betas. 

“Was he being serious?” Yugyeom asked after a few minutes, he waited for Bambam’s tears to stop flowing. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. But, at the same time, he could understand Hyung’s distress, after seeing how down he had been in the last months. “Was he being serious or was he joking?”

"I think he was being serious, Yugy." Youngjae said, answering for Bambam. He knew Jaebeom was not someone who joked with things like this. Youngjae knew Jaebeom would probably be very distraught to say something like that. And considering all the incidents that day, he understood it. "Jaebeom hyung doesn't joke with things like this."

"He was being serious," Bambam said after he regained enough compousture to be able to talk again. He shuddered when he remembered how red and wet Jaebeom's face had been from crying. "You didn't see the state he is. There is no way he was joking about it."

"What do we do?" Bambam asked hopelessly, after a moment of silence. Yugyeom and Youngjae looked unsure. They had no idea of what to do. They knew they had to do something, but they had no idea what. 

"We have to be careful," Youngjae said, voicing his thoughts. He knew a thing or two about mental health. So he decided to warn his mates about the possibilities. "We need to be careful, otherwise there's a risk of throwing him over the edge."

All three of them felt their hearts shattering with the possibility. They didn't want to think about it, about what that meant. About what would be of GOT7 without their leader. What would be of them without their Hyung.

They continued to work in silence, they all lost in thoughts. Bambam finished cooking the vegetables that Youngjae had cut, while Yugyeom separated the things for serving. He knew Jaebeom was not coming to the kitchen to eat, so they took extra care in doing his dinner.

"Oh, I remembered. I have to ask Jinyoung hyung about the meds." Bambam jumped slightly, remembering that Jaebeom was feverish. "Where he keeps them."

Youngjae and Yugyeom nodded, finishing serving the dinner. Bambam walked to the nest room where he recognized the scent of his other mates were coming from. Jinyoung included.

He remembered the way Jaebeom had said 'your mate' to him, referring to Jinyoung. A part of Bambam wondered if the older was still in love with Jinyoung. He sounded so bitter. 

But, the funny thing was that Jaebeom had not treated any of them differently after the pack was formed. Not that Bambam had seen. He treated them all the same. With the exception of his relationship with Jinyoung. 

There was such a huge tension when they were both in the same room. Sometimes, when Jinyoung was not looking, Jaebeom would have his eyes set on the ground, with a longing that Bambam had never understood. Until now.

He remembered seeing Jaebeom shrinking in himself after an interaction with Jinyoung. Bambam was really confused by it. It was such an omega thing to do, to feel small in the presence of a powerful alpha. Which didn't make sense with the image Jaebeom presented day in day out. 

"Is it because he is still in love with him?" Bambam wondered, confused while he walked in the corridor. There was just too much mystery involving Jaebeom. 

First his strange presentation, then the fact he had kept radio silence for almost all the time during his vacation. Then he came back and pushed everyone away. And then he became suddenly more sluggish and distracted. His performance began to fall down, and he was more emotional. 

He would spend less and less time with them, after Verse 2 era. His relationship with Jinyoung seemed to have deteriorated more, instead of improving. He was having trouble even singing. And now, this incident. That Jaebeom said to be 'used to it'. 

He saw Mark, Jackson and Jinyoung sitting on the bed in the nest room, when he arrived there. The balcony door was open, to ventilate all the space from the scents released during the whatever serious conversation they were having. 

Bambam had a good guess about what they had been talking about. But he decided to not ask. He hadn't even realized that Jinyoung had come back from the walk he said he was going to take.

"Jinyoung hyung, where do you keep the meds?" Bambam asked after entering the room. Jackson and Mark turned to look at him, while Jinyoung was already facing the door. All of them gave him a smile, until he reached the meds part. 

"It's on our bathroom's cabinet, Bamie." Jinyoung said getting up. His eyes were a bit reddish. Showing that he had been crying. Bambam wondered what was the result of the discussion. He hoped it made things a little bit better for Jaebeom. Bambam was afraid that he won't have much time left, otherwise. "Why, Bambam? Are you sick?" Jinyoung asked, concerned. 

"No, it's not for me." Bambam hesitated, wondering if the concern in Jinyoung's voice will last after he found out who was the one sick. "It's for Jaebeom hyung. He is feverish."

Bambam watched Jinyoung closely, seeing the alpha's face turn on a mask of neutral indifference. Bambam fought with the disappointment that threatened to take over his mind. He knew Jinyoung had his reasons to be like he is, but a part of his mind kept replaying, in loop, Jaebeom's broken voice saying he wished to be dead. 

He knew he needed to tell the olders about what Jaebeom had said. But something inside his chest convinced him to wait until Jinyoung was not present to talk about it. He knew his respect for the alpha would die out if Jinyoung heard about it and made some kind of insensitive comment. And he didn't want it to happen. 

Bambam knew that deep down Jinyoung still cared for Jaebeom. Maybe he still loved him. He knew it was not easy to erase someone that was and still is a big and important part of one's life. And it was the case for them both. The same way Bambam knew that Jaebeom still loved Jinyoung, he knew that the inverse was true too. 

"But Jinyoung hyung is a great actor." Bambam thought. And it was the root of the problem. Jinyoung often would act and say things he didn't meant only to cover his own true feelings. But it was a problem to someone that was unused with his behavior. 

Bambam remembered that Jinyoung struggled for years with his identity. He felt he didn't know how to be an alpha. And, during these years, he perfected his cold and indifferent mask. He put it to the world to see as if it was his real personality. Bambam understood him, it was scary to be so open for judgment by millions of people. But he felt, at the same time, it should have made Jinyoung more sympathetic towards Jaebeom and his condition. He should be more sympathetic towards Jaebeom from what had happened today.

Jaebeom was constantly being judged for his condition. Bambam had read nasty comments made by fans in the social media towards the leader in the past. Some people even asked if he was fit to be leader of GOT7 if he was a broken beta. It was a nightmare. People didn't understand that one of the reasons GOT7 was where they were was just because of Jaebeom. Him and his readiness to take the front and the bullets that came with it. 

And the most funny thing was that Jinyoung mirrored Jaebeom in small details. No matter how much he seemed indifferent to Jaebeom, he would unconsciously imitate him in the smallest things. 

Even his personality was a mirror of Jaebeom one during those years. His cold and indifferent mask was exactly like the one Jaebeom had when he came back. He acted like he didn’t care but was the first one to really care.

Bambam had never told no one about this. Not even Yugyeom. And he was almost certain no one had caught that. He didn't have secrets from his mates, but certain things were better left unsaid. For the good of the pack.

So Bambam decided to not tell. He didn't want to test Jinyoung. And he didn't want to have something against Jinyoung. They were a pack, they were not perfect. But they worked hard for their success, both professional and interpersonal. He didn't want to have something that could be used against Jinyoung in the future. 

"Is he alright, Bam?" Mark asked worriedly. They hadn't heard anything from Jaebeom. It was a relief to know one of the maknaes had checked on him. He felt proud of them. "Have you checked on him?"

"He is well, considering the circumstances," Bambam said hesitantly. He didn't want to reveal much of what the older had said. He trusted him, and he wasn't about to break that trust. "He is a bit sick, though. We made something for him to eat and we will give him the meds." 

"I see." Jackson said, and threw him a proud smile. He felt his heart swelling in his chest. He loved to make his mates proud. "I would go check on him, but I don't think it is a good idea."

"No, I don't think it is." Bambam said, nodding. "I don't think he would be comfortable with any alpha around him now. I don't think anyone should crowd him right now."

"Oh, okay." They both agreed. Jinyoung kept his eyes away. He hadn't said anything since the beginning of the talk, not that Bambam was expecting anything. But he wished the other would make an effort. "He might be the difference between life and death." Bambam was sad with that thought.

"I need to talk to you later, Hyung." Bambam addressed Jackson, letting him know that a serious matter had arrived and they needed a private conversation. Jackson nodded, his face somber.

Bambam walked to the bathroom and caught the meds. Then he walked back to the kitchen, took the food's tray and went to Jaebeom's room. Yugyeom helped him carry it until they reached Jaebeom's door. Then, he left him alone to go inside. 

When he walked in, he saw Jaebeom in the same position he had left. His body was still slumped against the headboard, and his head was resting against the wall. Bambam thought he was asleep, until he opened his eyes and gave him a small smile. 

"Hello, Hyung. I am back." Bambam entered the room and closed the door. He put the tray on the bed and sat down. He began to feed the other with the soup. He saw Jaebeom was embarrassed, so he refrained from talking much.

After Jaebeom was done, Bambam gave him the meds. He cleaned the floor that was dirty with vomit. Then he helped Jaebeom lie down, covering him with the covers. He didn't talk much, because Jaebeom's exhaustion was even more apparent now. Bambam then remembered to tell Jaebeom that their schedules were cancelled until next week. The managers said they needed time to rest. 

After he was done, he said his good night. He saw Jaebeom was already half asleep when he walked out of the room. He stayed a long time outside of the closed door. His heart felt agitated. His emotions all over the place. 

A part of him was reluctant to walk away. He wanted to enter and lie down behind the other. It was not the first time he had that sudden desire. But he had to remember himself that he didn't have that right, no matter what. 

He walked to the living room and laid down on the nest. He was resting between Yugyeom and Youngjae, wanting to feel their heat. They didn't talk much, they were still too shaken up to be able to impersonalize their normal selves. 

After some time, they said their good nights. After a few minutes, exhaustion caught on them and they were fully asleep. 

  
  


……………

  
  


It was in the middle of the night, Jaebeom was awake. He had only a few hours of sleep after Bambam gave him the meds and left. He had decided to torture himself looking at the internet again. 

He knew by the hour it was, it was very unlikely for someone to call him, and he wanted to be alone. So it was the best moment to see how much he messed up. He let his emotions out without having to hide. 

He saw the fans demanding an explanation from MBC. They wanted the host to be fired and charged for sexual assault. But Jaebeom saw that MBC had only released a statement saying they were investigating what happened. It made Jaebeom so afraid.

“What if I am blamed somehow?” He thought, and a great desire to cry took his body. He felt he had spent all his tears, but that thought made his gut clench in anxiety. He didn’t know if he would survive being treated as a criminal for something that he had no control over. He gulped, trying to convince himself that it was useless to think about the ‘what ifs’ if nothing had happened yet.

“You had frozen when you should have fought back." He was angry with himself. He always froze when he needed to fight back harder. But he had felt so afraid, the alpha's actions triggering a memory he desperately wanted to forget. 

He blamed it on his suppressants. When they were working right, Jaebeom wouldn’t feel anything. He would be able to snap back. But his suppressants were proving to be more of a trouble than a benefit, even if Jaebeom refused to acknowledge it.

No suppressant was working right for him for a while now. They still kept the physical part of his biology hidden. But his emotions were all out of control. They had been for a while now. For enough time that even his members had caught it. Just like now, with him wanting to cry. A part of him wanted to call his mother, not to exactly talk. But to simply hear her voice telling him everything will be okay. He desperately wanted to hear that. To feel well even for a moment. 

He curled himself in a ball. He desired to simply disappear, even if only for a day. So he could finally feel good with himself one more time. He couldn't remember the last time he felt loved, handsome or wanted. He only felt like trash now. He closed his eyes, wishing for a sleep without nightmares. 

  
  


………………..

  
  


"Park Jinyoung," Jackson said loudly, attracting the younger's attention. Jinyoung jumped slightly in surprise. He was walking through the dorm's corridor after going out for a walk. He had a distracted face, like his mind had been somewhere else.

Jackson looked at Mark, who was sitting on the bed at his side. Jackson had sent the maknaes to the living room. They had been waiting for Jinyoung to return for two hours now. While wondering about the future.

After Jaebeom went to his room, there was a general depressing feeling in the dorm. They all were able to hear him sobbing, but no one knew what to do. If it was one of the pack members, they would have used their pheromones to calm the distressed person. But they knew Jaebeom was unable to sense any type of pheromones. So it was useless to try to use it on him. 

So they had let him be. After some time, the sobs died down and a silence that came was even worse. The maknaes kept their eyes down, they were too shaken to do anything else other than sit together. So Jackson had taken a few mattress they had and made a nest for in the living room. They were left there strictly forbidden from doing anything sexual. Jackson believed they knew better than to do it that moment, but he didn't want to risk it.

Jackson knew Jaebeom was in such a bad state, and wake up by sounds of sex wouldn't do him any better. Even more with it happening in the living room. In particular after going through such a traumatic experience with an abuser on the same day. 

Jackson was talking about how it will affect Jaebeom's life to be exposed in such a way. If Jaebeom had decided to tell the world about it, it would be different. But Jaebeom was exposed minutes after becoming a victim. He hasn't had time to even process what happened. 

"I don't know, Jackson. I think things will become even more complicated." Mark said. They had sat to talk about how to proceed now. The management had called them to notify them that their schedules had been cancelled for the next few days. "None of us knows how to proceed with this. And there is the possibility that he won't want our help.”

But they both agreed they had to try to do something. Even if Jaebeom didn't want his help. they needed to do their part, even if just for the sake of their conscience later. No one will want to carry the blame and guilt of not trying. Their conversation was interrupted by Jinyoung’s arrival.

"Sit down, Jinyoung. Let's talk." Jackson said. The younger hesitated, looking around as if thinking about running. He looked scared, and Jackson stilled himself. "We need to talk. Don't make me use the 'Pack Leader's card' on you." He kept his voice firm.

He saw Jinyoung's shoulders falling in defeat, so Jackson motioned to the chair that was in front of them. He and Mark were waiting to have that conversation for a long time now, and they knew they couldn't avoid it anymore.

Jinyoung walked to them and fell seated in the chair. He didn't look any of them in the eyes, choosing to keep his eyes on his legs. His shoulders were hunched forward and he looked resigned. 

"Now, Jinyoung. You know what we need to talk." Said Mark, beginning the conversation. He chose a more soft approach, they wanted Jinyoung to talk to them by his free will. They waited a few minutes, to see if Jinyoung would offer something. When he didn't, Jackson went directly.

"What is your problem with Jaebeom, Jinyoung?" He went directly to the point. He couldn't let Jinyoung slip through his fingers as he had done so many times before. He wanted answers, and he will have them. Now. "And don't tell me it's nothing. We have been a pack for almost five years now, and we always saw how you treated him with coldness."

"What happened between you? You used to be best friends." Mark tried to soften Jackson's words. He saw how Jinyoung's eyes unfocused. It was a sign of two things. One, that he was putting his walls up. And two, he was seeing something far away in the past. Mark believed it was a mixture of both. "Then, suddenly, you were always against calling him to be part of the pack."

"And, today, even seeing how bad he was hurting, you still went and ripped open whatever wound that has between you two." Jackson's words were harsh, but he needed Jinyoung to understand that his actions were causing big tensions in the group. It was more than his personal relationship with Jaebeom now. They had a job and everyone was in need to be on the same page. "Please, tell us Jinyoung." Mark complemented.

They saw Jinyoung hiding his face in his hands. Then his shoulders began to shake. Suddenly, he was crying very hard. They knew it was real when Mark tried to comfort him, and he shook his head, asking for space. He opened and closed his mouth, searching for words. He tried to take deep breaths, but it only made more sobs come.

"You know, we used to be so close." Jinyoung began talking, his sobs making the words distorted. Jackson and Mark made an effort to try to understand what he was saying. "We were inseparable. We had been best friends for almost five years by then." His voice was choked.

They knew it. Of course they knew it. Even non GOT7 fans knew it. It was a truth very well known in the kpop world. What they didn't know was what had made their friendship end. Mark doubted anyone, other than those two, knew what had happened between them.

"We had everything planned. Once we found out that we would be re debuting with GOT7, we planned everything else." Jinyoung had stopped crying, his voice was still sad. But there was a cold edge on it. Mark threw a look at Jackson in alarm. "The group had begun to become even closer, and I was very needy. I thought that he wouldn't mind, since he hadn't presented yet. I mean, when we decided to form a pack" He took a deep breath.

"He got really angry with me, and he had a reason to be. I had made a decision and didn't tell him until it was complete." Jinyoung looked up, his eyes red and wet. His face was emotionless, he felt he had already shown too much emotions for a day. "He would then ignore me and then proceed to act like he hadn't done it. He would focus on you all and leave me on the sidelines."

"It was really painful for me. I never knew what to expect, or how to react. I was so young and so dependent on him. And the worst thing was that I had presented as an alpha and didn't know how to act like one. It was one of the reasons why I insisted for you to be the pack's leader, Jackson." He continued. This time he was looking toward the sky, through the balcony doors. "Then we debuted. He would treat me with warmth when we were in public, then proceed to ignore me completely in private. It was a rollercoaster."

"I was struggling with my identity, while the person that was my safe harbor had basically abandoned me." He looked back to Mark and Jackson. He had such a sad look, like he was ripping a bandage from an old wound. Which seemed to be the case.

"You know he was struggling too, right?" Mark said softly after a moment of silence. He had looked at Jackson, telling him without words to let him handle it. Jackson gave a small nod in agreement. "Our old company kept pushing him to a breaking point. They kept telling him that if we failed, it would be his fault."

"And they kept pressuring him about his presentation, even if they knew he had no control over that." Mark continued after Jinyoung shook his head, telling them he didn't know it. Mark had lost count of how many times he found Jaebeom crying because the company was demanding his presentation even knowing no one has control over it. It was torture, to put so much pressure over a almost twenty years old teenager. "All of us were under different kinds of pressure. Him and Youngjae having the biggest ones." Jinyoung nodded, accepting that there were a lot of things he didn't know.

A small part of Jinyoung began to look at Jaebeom in a different light. It must have been hell to him to conciliate his later presentation, with his responsibility as leader, that he was told that he was responsible for the future of six other persons, and the fact that Jinyoung had mated without telling him first.

And the fact that he had presented as a defective beta later. It must have taken a big toil in Jaebeom's mental health, Jinyoung realized. It must be a struggle for him to be in the middle of everyone knowing he was different. It must be complicated to have his inadequacies being watched and judged by everyone.

And now, with what had happened, Jinyoung understood why Jackson and Mark were worried. He didn't know if he was ready to forgive the other, but he wasn't a sadist. He didn't want to cause pain to others.

"There's more," Jinyoung said after some time considering. Since he had started, he was going to put it all out. Maybe, after this, he would be able to make peace with it and really move on. Having unsolved feelings was something that was bad for his health, he knew.

"Jaebeom hyung came to talk to me a few days before our break." He began again, catching Mark and Jackson attention again. They had seen him lost in thoughts so they had decided to give him a little bit of space. "He said he was sorry for how he was treating me that time. I was a little bit reluctant to accept it, but… " At this, Jinyoung stopped and took a deep breath, wondering if it was the right thing to do, share it.

"But I was in love with him." Jinyoung said in a breath, letting it out like it was some kind of very guarded secret. He looked at his mate's with an apologetic face. Part of him felt like he was betraying his pack admitting it.

Mark raised an eyebrow while Jackson fought a smile. They had always known it, but it was good to see Jinyoung admitting it. Mark wondered if a part of Jinyoung is still in love with their leader, but chose to ignore it. "It's something to investigate later," Mark thought.

"Why did you say it like you are committing some kind of crime?" Jackson asked, amused. Teasing Jinyoung was one of his favorite hobbies. He saw the aforementioned looking at him with incredulity, and he had to hold his laughter once again. 

"Because I am your mate and he is not part of the pack pack." Jinyoung said like it was obvious. And, in his head, it was. Mark and Jackson exchanged alarmed looks. They always knew Jinyoung didn't see Jaebeom as part of the pack, but they didn't know he was seeing the other as a simple stranger either. 

Jackson knew that, by law and technicalities, Jaebeom was not part of their pack. But he, and the other members, always saw the older as their family. He thought it was obvious for Jinyoung. They have gone through too much together to cut Jaebeom out simply because he doesn't have a mating bite.

"But it doesn't matter, he is our family. Not a stranger." Jackson said carefully, trying to convey the message. He felt sad that this kind of thing had to even be discussed. A part of him blamed himself for this. He felt he lacked leadership skills. "You should've been the pack's leader, Jaebeom hyung." He thought sadly.

"When had you stopped seeing Jaebeom as family, Jinyoung?" Mark thought intrigued. In moments like this, he felt hopeless. He was the oldest hyung, yet he felt he could do nothing to help when it mattered most. He felt his shoulders slumping forward in defeat. "Why can't I never help?"

"Let me continue my story." Jinyoung said, ignoring Jackson's remark and unaware of Mark's internal monologue. He didn't want to think about that right now, or ever. He was never going to put his walls down again. He had been too much hurt for it. So he chose to see Jaebeom as a stranger. And, for Jinyoung, he was. They hadn't had a meaningful conversation in years. "So I accepted his apologies, believing things would change. I asked for forgiveness too, for accepting your offer without telling him first. He accepted it, too. And, that day, he promised me we would talk once he came back from the vacation in his hometown."

Jinyoung took a deep breath again, he felt his eyes prickling. But he refused to cry again. He had spent his quotes of emotion for the year already in only one day. "You are an alpha, for goodness sake. Act like one." He chantized himself. 

"He promised, too, that, once he presented, he was going to join our pack. And I believed him. I was so happy. The only thing I could think, that moment, was that everything was going to be okay." Jinyoung kept talking, pushing his turbulent thoughts away. 

"My first deception came in the first week he was away. He had told me that I could call everyday. And he kept his promise for the first four days. But, by Sunday, things changed." Jinyoung felt angry. He had been so happy to talk to him, until Jaebeom stopped answering his phone. 

"I called him, over and over. But every time the call went to voicemail. I called him Sunday, Monday, Thursday, every day for one week and half. And not once my calls were answered." Jinyoung clenched his teeth. He felt so utterly humiliated. Like he was running after a crush, something he had promised himself to never do. He felt so betrayed. 

"I even called his mom once. She sounded so angry on the phone, telling me he couldn't talk to me because he was busy." His let out a shaking sigh, his body was trembling slightly. He had to bite the inside of his cheek to stop himself from crying. It was still one of his most painful memories. The utter rejection. 

"I took that as a signal for me to stop calling. It was obvious that they didn't want to hear from me. So I stopped. I was so heartbroken. I was inconsolable for days after that. I think you guys probably remember." Mark and Jackson nodded. They remembered seeing Jinyoung crying for days without a clue of what was happening. They were young and fools, they hadn't known how to communicate. So they had tried to comfort the younger with sex. It didn't work really well, now they know why.

"And then, after a month, he came back. Changed. He had presented, and was a defective beta. It was like he had forgotten all the promises he had done to me. He treated me so coldly, avoiding me at all costs. For some time, I thought it was because of his presentation. I thought he had lost the capacity to care, like it happens with most defective betas. But then I found out it wasn't the case." He got up and walked towards the balcony. He loved to watch the city lights of Seoul at night. It was such a pretty sight. 

"But, Jinyoung, Jaebeom was being distant to everyone here. Not only you." Jackson said after a moment, when he realized Jinyoung was lost in thoughts. He remembered clearly how cold Jaebeom had been. Not in a rude way, but in a way that kept them all at an arm's length. Until today, he was still distant. "He pushed us all away. It was obvious that something had happened on his vacation."

"If not his presentation, then something else." Mark agreed. He had always wondered what happened to change his best friend so much, so fast. Before, he was a hot headed teenager trying to adjust being a leader. After, he became a subdued person, like he wanted to pass unnoticed. He was a monster on stage, but outside, it was like he wanted to hide away. 

He didn't even go to visit his family much, Jackson knew. Normally his parents would come to Seoul if they wanted to see their son. Which was strange. "Did he even push his family away?" Jackson was intrigued.

"I know it was not the presentation because something else happened." Jinyoung turned back to look at them. His expression was a mixture of something dark with sadness. They stilled themselves, getting ready for whatever was coming next. 

"When we were working on Verse 2, we barely talked. I wasn't in the mood for conversations and he was far away mentally, half the time. Things went smoothly until it was time for promotions. We had to do fanservice and things began to scalating out of control." Jinyoung walked back to the chair but changed his mind and sat in the bed, besides Mark. They changed their positions too, so they could look at him better.

"He began to try to talk to me as in the old times. And, honestly, it began to piss me out so badly. It was like he felt he could do what he wanted without consequences. One day, my patience ran out and I demanded to know everything that had happened. From him ignoring me before our debut to his cold shoulder a few weeks before." Jinyoung was shaking, and Mark was worried for him. Jinyoung's story made sense, so he knew the younger wasn't lying. But he couldn't stop the feeling that something more was behind it. Something that no one knew other than Jaebeom himself.

"It doesn't match with his personality." Mark thought, and he remembered that Jaebeom's more erratic behavior began that time, after Verse 2. It was there that he realized that Jaebeom wasn't well, and that wasn't part of his change of personality after his presentation. At his side, Jackson was having similar thoughts.

"First he refused to tell me what happened, insisting that nothing had happened at all. And then, when I mentioned the phone calls, he had the audacity to tell me he didn't know anything about it, about rejecting the calls. That was the last straw for me." Jinyoung stopped to take a deep breath, his heart full of adrenaline. "I told him that I had a pack to take care of. I told him I hadn't had time anymore to run after him, so he should stop doing whatever he was doing, honestly. And that I was sick of his behavior."

Mark and Jackson looked at each other. They remembered clearly that something was wrong that time too. Jaebeom had come home even more closed and distant. He barely talked to anyone else, only doing the necessary. 

He would spend more and more time in his studio, rarely coming home. He remembered seeing him looking alarmed every time he would be in the same room as Jinyoung. He had begun to opt to not eat with them at all.

"Now I know why." Jackson thought. He understood Jinyoung's side in all of this now. But he knew there was something more to it. They knew that they needed to hear Jaebeom's side before concluding anything. "But I doubt he will tell us anything now. He had never told us anything, mainly if he finds out Jinyoung told his side." 

They understood why Jinyoung didn't want to take part in courting Jaebeom. And why he was so reticent in having him with them. But they knew that they couldn't let the other behind. 

“There are always two sides to the same story." Jackson remembered that ancient saying. "Jaebeom is such a big part of all of it. I doubt we would even be here if it wasn't for him." He thought, a grimmance appearing in his face.

"I understand your side, Jinyoung. But we ask you to keep your animosity to yourself. We need to work together.” Jackson said, trying to make Jinyoung understand that he needs to keep some of his animosity to himself. “Jaebeom is very hurt right now, if you push him too strongly, we might lose him.”

Jinyoung nodded slowly. He understands why he needs to be less aggressive. In the bottom of his heart, he didn’t want to hurt Jaebeom more. He just doesn’t have it in himself to forgive the other a third time. He believed he was better that way. There was no guarantee that Jaebeom was going to really change his ways, if Jinyoung let his walls down again. So he decided not to. 

“But you know Jaebeom didn’t hurt you willingly,” a small part of his mind told him. It was the part he always kept in check. He didn’t want to hear the uncomfortable truths it brought him everyday. And, honestly, part of himself didn’t want to hear Jaebeom’s side. He knew the other probably had a very sad and convincing story that would make Jinyoung’s heart soft. He truly didn’t want that. He wanted to stay away.

"When did you begin to see Jaebeom as a stranger?" Mark decided to address his earlier wonderings. He felt he needed to know what exactly Jinyoung was feeling. They needed to have everything put on clean plates, so it wouldn't come back to bite them on the ass later.

"When he became one." Jinyoung said, raising his eyebrows. For him, Jaebeom was nothing more than a stranger. Their story stayed in the past, where it belonged. Now, they don't know anything about each other. Jinyoung had a life now, a very different one. No matter the fact they still lived under the same roof. "He is just a ghost from the past," his mind supplied, sounding like it was trying to convince him.

  
  


……..

  
  


The next morning, Jaebeom was able to get up relatively well. And the first thing he did was taking his suppressants. He took a dose that would normally be enough for three days. But he felt he needed to feel in control of himself again. 

He laid down again and waited. Half an hour later he was already feeling the effects. The suppressants began to numb down his pain. He even felt he could breathe better, his lungs didn't feel as constricted and heavy as before. It was really a different result, since his suppressants were not giving him very good results in the emotional part recently. He was pleasantly surprised. 

He felt he could think clearly again. And, in moments like these, he wondered why his doctor wanted him to stop taking his suppressants. He only felt better when he took them. They were good, there was nothing wrong with them. When he took them, he didn't feel like he was being drowned by his own emotions.

But he was remembered of the harsh reality when he got up. A heavy dizziness assaulted his senses, and he almost fell to the floor. He was able to find his bed and sit down, closing his eyes and waiting for the word to stop spinning. He felt his stomach agitating again, and he focused on taking deep breaths. He didn't want to throw up again. 

There were all of these collateral effects, but Jaebeom felt it was worth it. He didn't feel anxious, so it must have meant something. The collateral effects he would feel that day would be like winning a bet, he never knew which one would appear that day. He didn't mind having to do some kind of sacrifices if it meant he would be able to spend the day without feeling like he was being strangled. For him, it was worth it. 

A few seconds after he felt sufficiently stabilized, he decided to walk out. He decided to have breakfast. The big dose he took was enough to keep his emotions under control for now. So he trusted himself to sit with them for a few minutes, even if it was to make them believe he was well. He didn’t want to be the reason for their worries. He knew the pack had enough on their plates as it was. 

When he walked in the kitchen, he saw five pairs of eyes turning to look at him. He forced his expression to keep blank while he greeted the members. He wasn’t in the mood to feel like a charity case. The only one who ignored him was Jinyoung, and Jaebeom felt a distant pang in his heart, the suppressants keeping his pain away. 

He served himself and sat on the table to eat. He saw the members doing a strong effort to look and act normally. He was grateful for it, he hated to feel like people were watching him as if expecting him to fall or began crying at any minute. It made his skin crawl.

He began to eat, his mind taking a path by its own, away. He felt a sliver of fear when he realized he would have to be in public soon. He would need to interact with another alphas. He felt apprehensive to even have to interact with his own alpha members. The words of the host resonating in his mind. He had tried to push it away, but it insisted to make his mind its residency. 

“... You see, I heard that one of the EXO omegas is pregnant.” Jackson’s voice took him back to the present. He stopped with the fork a few inches from his mouth. He looked up, feeling surprise and shock dominating his body. 

“What? Really?” Mark asked, surprised. It was always a surprise to hear news of pregnancies from fellow idols. Most of the omegas waited to have pups after their groups had decreased in popularity. It was the healthier way to do it. So they would spend the years with the pack while taking birth control meds. “Which one of them?” Mark looked almost excited.

“Are they going to keep them?” Bambam asked at the same time as Mark. They both left a laugh at it, even with the serious tone of conversation. It was kind of a open secret that a lot of companies even force abortions, sometimes. It was a horrible thing. And their company is one one of the worst, so it was comprehensible Bambam’s question.

“I don’t know, Yixing didn’t tell me who. He said it was an agreement of the pack, to avoid rumors.” Jackson answered Mark’s question. Then he turned to Bambam, a frown on his face. He knew the possibility is very big they won’t be able to keep the pups. “They want to. But if they will be able is a very different matter.”

All presents on the room jumped when Jaebeom pushed his chair back abruptly. They turned to look at him with shocked faces. He looked at the ground, feeling ashamed. “I need to go to the bathroom, fast.” He said and walked out. No one said nothing, too shocked to react.

Jaebeom ran to his bathroom and locked the door behind himself. He slid to the ground and put his head in his hands. His heart was beating so fast that it made him feel dizzy. The effect of the suppressants had rescinded so fast that Jaebeom felt his breath getting heavier every second it passed.

“I thought it would last all day, at least.” He thought, a sudden anger taking his body and making his eyes get wetter. He didn’t understand why it was happening. His emotions were a rollercoaster. The effects of the suppressants passing within an hour was a very worrisome thing. “You overacted again,” he chatized himself in disgust. “Once again you ruined the mood.”

But he knew why the suppressant’s effects passed so fast. It was the topic of the conversation. There was a reason he avoided gossip. It was because of this. His anxiety had spiked so fast that the suppressants were not able to keep up.

He rested his head on the door, closing his eyes. He didn’t want to hear about omegas and pregnancies. It made him remember things that he wanted to forget. Permanently. He got up with difficulty and washed his face, trying to calm down. When he was certain he wouldn't panic at the smallest things, he walked to the kitchen. He grabbed a bottle of water and retired to his room. 

He laid on bed, his throat closed. He felt so much now. His eyes were full of tears. His breath became more ragged when he began to cry. He muffled his face in the pillow so no one would hear him. He felt a phantom pain in his lower abdomen, making everything seem so more real. He closed his eyes and stayed like that. He stayed there for the rest of the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Jaebeom showed Bambam a little of how bad he is feeling. Mark and Jackson finally understood why Jinyoung acts the way he does.
> 
> I tried to show in this chapter four different perspectives in everything that is happening.   
> Next chapter things began to get worse to the point that Jaebeom can't hide anymore.
> 
> Please, comment, review. I love to read your analyses.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaebeom began to take his new suppressants. And things go downhill.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, hello. New chapter is here. 
> 
> I don't really liked this chapter. I had an entire different idea for it but I was being unable to write. So I decided to separate the chapter in two and post this one today. 
> 
> I want to justify why I took so long to update this. End of the year is always a busy time, and I wasn't being able to write. And to complete the package my insomnia came back. I don't really know how it's like for other people, but my insomnia are always unpredictable. I couldn't really write, my concentration completely gone. 
> 
> So if I ever disappear for a few weeks in the future, it's probably because of this. So, no worries, I plan to complete all my fics. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy the chapter. Don't forget to leave a comment.

Jaebeom was feeling nothing. It had been three days since he began to take his new suppressants. And, in his opinion, it was working wonderfully. He felt all his feelings disappearing in the background. Leaving only a shadow behind.

The suppressants began to work almost immediately after he took them. He understood why his doctor Hyejin had said about them being too strong. He felt them working like none of the others he had taken before. In minutes he felt his body relaxing, his anxiety disappearing and his emotions fading away 

A week after the incident, they were finally able to leave the dorm again. They returned their preparation for the comeback. The tensions had calmed down after the host was removed with the promise of punishment. Jaebeom doubted he would be really punished, but he was kind of glad he wasn't blamed for the scandal. He wouldn't survive being blamed for something he had no control a second time. 

And it felt like he was back at the early days of his presentation. Where he was able to move without being held back by his feelings and emotions. He felt light, like he could float away. 

A small voice in his mind, that sounded suspiciously like his doctor Hyejin, remembered him that he should not really rely too much on it. Because it has several collateral effects. But he pushed it away. 

"This way I look even more like a danified beta." He thought with satisfaction. It was common knowledge that danified betas felt basically nothing. They weren't dominated by emotions. They didn't have any of the urges of a normal presented person. They didn't have the urges to be part of a pack, and they had no physical desire. Or desire for affection. 

He knew that, because they were taught it at school. And, for almost four years, Jaebeom had acted like a danified beta. His suppressants had been working well, so he had basically no reaction to anything. He was a cold and distant person, just like a danified beta. This was from when the robot joke had come from.

The members grew up accustomed with this kind of behavior. Because no matter how much they tried, they weren't able to get nothing from him. He knew he had distanced himself enough to a wall to be formed between him and the pack. Mark and the others had tried to reach him a few weeks after he had come home. But it hadn't worked.

And sincerely, he had liked it. Until his suppressants began to stop working. Suddenly, he was inundated with all the feelings he had suppressed all these years. He had felt like he was going to explode. Suddenly, the jokes that had meant nothing before, began to hurt him. Suddenly, he would want to spend less time in the dorm, and more in his studio to not hear them having sex, something that hadn't bothered him before. Suddenly, seeing his members being affectionate with each other made him jealous and in pain. Suddenly, he seemed much more aware about things that he hadn't cared about before. Suddenly, he felt a longing to join the pack, even if his other fears prevented him from doing that.

It was by that time that he realized how much he loved the members. How much he was in love with all of them. It was not just Jinyoung anymore, but all the six of them. He remembered his agreement with Jinyoung, that they would mate and later form a pack with the entire group. The thought only brought him longing and sadness now.

It was then that his members seemed to realize something was wrong. But the years of distance had made them cautious about approaching him. And they had tried, in their own ways. But it was not enough to convince Jaebeom.

His biggest fear had always been to be alone. So, in his head, the best option was to force his own isolation. In his mind, it felt like a controlled situation. He was alone because he wanted to be. He knew it didn't make much sense, but feelings and logic did not always walk together. He was terrified of being rejected, so he made a point to avoid it. 

He was never able to open himself up, no matter how much he tried. He had been hurted too deeply to be able to trust anyone again. It was something he was never able to explain to his mother and his doctor. They understood, to an extent, but not entirely. He didn't even trust himself, that was the reason he relied so much on suppressants.

"That had nothing to do with GOT7." He thought. He had tried to keep the pack out of his problems, but they all came to haunt him back. He knew his mental health was not the best now, and he knew he would be assaulted by all his problems once he stopped taking his suppressants. Something he didn't want to do.

That morning he had been sitting on the couch, in the dorm's living room. They only had a later schedule, so he decided to watch tv. It was a normal thing, the members were all around the dorm, doing their things. 

He was barely listening to the tv, his head full of thoughts. It was just a noise in the background. He rested his head on the couch, closing his eyes. He blocked everything out until he couldn't hear anything. Untill…

"... The actress was spotted buying omega suppressants and scent blockers in a pharmacy. It caused the violent reaction her fans are having now." Jaebeom could swear his heart stopped beating for a second, before it almost jumped out of his chest with the force it began to beat again. 

He opened his eyes in alarm with a knot in his throat. Not even his suppressants were able to hold back the rush of anxiety that came over him. He looked at the tv and saw the face of one of the most famous actresses in Hollywood. "Before that, she was believed to be an alpha." 

In the blurred picture, she was holding two boxes of suppressants in her hand, keeping it closer to her body, so no one would see it. There was no denying that it was her and that she was buying heavy suppressants. 

The news showed the angry messages her fans let on social media. "The actress had rushed to social media to apologise and explain her situation. But the fans didn't accept her explanation and are still bashing her." The news anchor said, showing a few of the comments on the screen. 

Jaebeom took a shake breath. His hands were shaking when he put his head on them. He knew the actress' career was probably over now. 

There was a big stigma around omegas that used suppressants to pass as another subgender. It was considered that the person was ashamed of who they are. That they were ashamed from being an omega. 

In most countries, Jaebeom knew, omegas needed a special liberation from a medical team to buy heavier suppressants. Like it was the case in Korea. He knew that in the United States and some European countries it wasn't needed. But it was still heavily frowned upon.

The suppressants have a very big impact in the omega hormones. And, by extension, in the reproductive system. Doctors who prescribe suppressants are heavily criticized, so many of them refuse to do it unless the patient's case is very complicated.

Omegas are way rarer than alphas and betas. It was the reason why packs are formed. Normally it's an omega to two or three alphas and betas. It was the reason why it was very dangerous to be an unmated omega. Some unmated alphas went mad during rut, and are capable of attacking the first omega that doesn't have a bite mark. Betas were much more able to control themselves in their beta heat, but some of them still chose to attack helpless omegas. 

Nobody knows exactly why omegas are rarer, but everyone knew that an omega's presentation is the most difficult one. It goes on for hours in heavy pain. Jaebeom shuddered. 

The news on the tv remembered him of what he saw on the other day. The news of an idol pack that was caught abusing their maknae omega. Jaebeom considered that a hypocrisy.

"They demand an omega to not use the means to protect themselves, yet they all fail in protecting the omegas." He knew a lot of laws were made to protect the omegas. But a thing about laws is that they are only used after things already went downhill to the victim. 

"I don't know why people do this if they know things will be bad if they are found out." Youngjae, who had just entered the living room, said. He motioned to the tv when Jaebeom threw him a questioning stare. "It's just seems like stupidity for me." He continued.

A good thing for Jaebeom was that his suppressants were working well, so he didn't feel any of the pain that he would have felt otherwise at Youngjae's words. Even if it wasn't directed to him. "People just don't realize," Jaebeom remembered himself.

Jaebeom stopped and frowned, thinking about all the possible answers he could give. He didn't want to say too much, in case. But he needed Youngjae to understand that a lot of things are weighted in a person's decision.

"Maybe she has a health problem that she doesn't want the world to know. And she has every right to keep her personal life a secret." Jaebeom said calmly, being careful to keep his voice low and neutral. He didn't want to put too many emotions on it. He needed to be careful. "Maybe taking it doesn't make a difference to her." His voice sounded soft, almost wistful, to his own ears.

Youngjae blinked in surprise, he hadn't thought about it. He simply thought that she didn't like her omega status and decided to try to change it. Or create a new image, at least. But he supposed it makes sense. 

"Oh, I didn't think about it. I just thought she didn't like to be an omega." Youngjae said with an apologetic smile. He hoped he hadn't sounded insensitive. "I mean, most of us desires to be an omega instead, so we kinda feel upset when news like this come out."

Jaebeom took a deep breath. He tried to not feel upset with Youngjae, since he knew the other had no idea how certain things work outside the pack. Youngjae had mated right after his presentation, he had no experience about the real world when it comes to it. But this kind of things only discouraged Jaebeom more.

"Dr Hyejin told me to create a safe environment." Jaebeom thought sadly. There's no way he could do it. Nobody understood, not even her. He knew that. He always feels like an outsider. "But how can I do it? I just feel like something is simply wrong with me."

He didn’t like to think like it. He felt like he was always acting like a victim. But he couldn’t stop it. It was like he had lost all sense of colors in the world. It was like he stopped seeing it. He only remembered the pain and the loneliness. “Loneliness that I basically imposed on myself.” He thought. Jaebeom felt so confused, he didn’t understand his own feelings, sometimes. 

"It's okay, Youngjae. Just try to be more empathetic next time." He said it to the younger beta, giving him the most warm smile he could muster in his indifferent state. A small, distant feeling blossomed in his stomach when Youngjae smiled brightly at him in return. 

He turned back to the tv in a hurry. He had moved back before he could act impulsively and do something he wasn't supposed, like kiss the other in the mouth. 

"No matter how much I try, it doesn't go away." He was hoping that his suppressants would help him get rid of these feelings. But no matter how much he tried, how much suppressants he took, the feelings were still there. Only waiting to dominate him when he was in his weakest moment. 

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes again. He felt in his bones the next few days will be… difficult. He felt an omen looming over his head. Like some kind of premonition was activated. He just hoped he would be able to go through whatever is coming unscathed. 

……….

Jackson was worried. Ever since Bambam had come to talk to him, he couldn't sleep. His mind kept doing laps around, worrying about it. And it was taking his sleep. 

He remembered when Bambam had come to see him, Jackson knew something was really very wrong when he saw Bambam's anxious face. He knew the youngest beta was extremely sensitive, both to comments and to emotions around him.

It was one of the things he relied a lot on the younger. Jackson was an observant person, but he knew Bambam's ability to sense things was almost abnormal. He was still surprised that Bambam had sensed Jaebeom's distress before any of them.

"Well, it makes sense," Jackson thought. Bambam had come to Korea very young. He had needed to adapt and evolve. He had no family there to take care of him, so he learned to take care of himself. And to read people's intentions was one of the first things he learned, to not be taken advantage of. "And he probably learned to read small signals and details."

Jackson knew most of the pack didn't have this ability. They would only know if someone was struggling if it was obvious. He believed that Mark and Jinyoung had, too, that observation skills. But Mark was blinded, his status of friendship with Jaebeom made him believe everything was almost normal. He believed that Jaebeom would tell him if something was wrong, like he used to do in the past, when they were trainees. But he failed to realize that things had changed. It was a miscalculation from his part, considering that Jaebeom hadn't wanted to talk. And Jinyoung…

Jinyoung was difficult. He was probably the person that knew Jaebeom the best, with, maybe, the exception of Jaebeom's mother. But he convinced himself that it was not the case, Jackson had realized. And it affected all the group dynamics.

Jackson constantly saw the fans wondering if something had happened. They knew something had changed between the group, and between the pack. But they didn't know what. Jackson knew it was something worrisome, if it had already been caught by the public then things were really not good. 

A thing about living with a pack was that the close proximity sometimes blinded them. He had seen it happen, people only realizing something was wrong when an outsider pointed it out. 

It was like a silent disease. That takes away the strength bit by bit and the person only realizes it when their energy is already completely drained. Jackson let out a sigh. "I need to find where I made these mistakes." It will be a long journey. 

And a voice inside his head told him that something was wrong with Jinyoung. He simply knew that. He had pondered in the other alpha's story and something felt… off. Not that Jackson believed that Jinyoung was outright lying, but he believed he wasn't telling the entire truth. 

Everything Jinyoung had told made sense. Everything. But he felt something wasn't there. Something he let out on purpose. An important detail that explained why he had felt so betrayed when Jaebeom didn't answer his calls. 

"It's normal to feel betrayed when someone makes a deal with you, but don't keep their part of it." Jackson tried to convince himself. But he couldn't stop the feeling in his gut that told him something more was to it. 

He closed his eyes, remembering what had happened the day before. After Bambam had come to him, to talk about what had happened, they had decided to go talk with Jaebeom. 

"Hyung, I am worried about Jaebeom hyung." Bambam had said, entering the nest room. Everyone was out, with the exception of them and Jaebeom. They had returned their schedules, but decided to stay home. 

"What's it, Bam?" Jackson asked, patting the bed besides him in an invitation. Bam walked and sat down, putting his head in the alpha's shoulder. He felt tense, on edge. 

"Yesterday, Jaebeom hyung said something." Bambam began, after taking a deep inhaling. He didn't know how to approach the subject, but he couldn't let it go either. So he forced himself to talk. "He said something really worrisome." 

"What?" Jackson asked, alarmed. He didn't know yet what the beta was talking about, but he knew, deep down, that it would shatter him. Whatever revelation Bambam was going to make, it won't be good. 

"He said… He said… " Bambam's voice broke, while he was fighting tears back. He tried to push his tears back. His shoulders began to shake, and a new wave of desperation hit him. He raised his head, to look at Jackson in the eyes. He could see the alarm and worry reflected in the dark eyes. 

"He said that he wants to die." Bambam let it out in a breath, feeling a little of the weight being lifted up from his shoulders. He felt his shoulders hunching forward, the heaviness of the situation sitting on the air. 

Jackson blinked, a heavy feeling sitting on his stomach. Suddenly, he felt a knot forming on his throat. He felt a desperate desire to cry. He rested his head against the wall behind him, closing his eyes. He didn't need to ask Bambam if he was being serious. His reaction was answer enough. And he knew the members would never play with something like that. 

"Did I have failed so badly?" Jackson remembered asking himself that question. He should have tried more, he thought. They all should have tried more. They talked for a few more minutes, trying to decide what to do. They decided to take the opportunity and go talk to Jaebeom. 

"I am fine," it was the only thing Jaebeom answered them after letting them inside his room. He was completely impassive during all the time they talked. He had an emotionless expression, only answering with those three little words. 

Jackson was at a loss. He didn't know how to proceed with it. There was too little they could do. And it was taking Jackson's sleep away. Every time he closed his eyes he saw Jaebeom's panicked face when he was hyperventilating, and then the image would morth with his expressionless face from their talk. 

It felt like a rollercoaster, to see Jaebeom going from one extreme to another. And he didn't know where to begin. He had no idea how to pass through Jaebeom's walls. 

A few days later, Bambam came with an amazing idea. It was the only thing they could think about. If it didn't work, they had any idea of what to do next. 

They were walking through the streets of Goyang, searching for their destination. Jackson had received the address during the voice call, but he was kind of lost, considering he has never visited the place they were going to visit now. 

After a few hours, they finally reached their destination. The travel was mostly done in silence, none of them knew what to say. Bambam was lost in thoughts, while Jackson was worried as well. 

During some time into the trip, Jackson wished he had asked Mark to come with them. Because he always knew what to do, and what to say. 

"This is kind of ironic," he let out a laugh with the thought. He was known as the loud member, the one that talked a lot. His extroverted personality made him be the center of attention almost all the time. Yet, he felt so unsure talking now. 

He feared he was going to mistepp. He feared he wouldn't be enough to convince Jaebeom to open up. And he feared he wouldn't be enough to convince Jaebeom's mother that he was only trying to help her son. 

Bambam gave him a strange look when he heard Jackson laughing. He knew the pack leader had the tendency of putting too much pressure on himself. He just hoped that it wasn't affecting his mental health. 

"Hyung? I know you are an alpha and the pack leader." Bambam began talking, a few steps away from the door of the house they had come for. He felt he needed to say this before the meeting they are going to be having. "But you don't need to carry the burden all alone. Don't close yourself off."

Jackson blinked, suddenly feeling self aware. He didn't realize that he hadn't been opening up for his mates. Everything had been escalating out of control in the last few weeks that he lost focus. A thought passed like a wind through his mind. "Maybe I should stop asking Jaebeom hyung to open up. Maybe I should open myself up for him to follow after." He wondered with a pensive frown. 

"I am just afraid, Bamie." Jackson said, deciding to truly be honest, open. He saw Bambam's face scrunch up in surprise. Jackson realized the other wasn't expecting that. He had just said that as a suggestion. "What's happening with our pack?" Jackson thought with a frown. 

"I am just afraid I am not good enough." Jackson looked at the ground, feeling exposed. "I am afraid of not being able to help Jaebeom. I am afraid of being a complete failure for the pack. And I am afraid… I am just terrified."

Part of him was mortified of having that conversation in the middle of a sidewalk in a city he had never visited. But he was more mortified of being judged by Bambam. But he stilled himself, he felt like he deserved whatever judgment that was coming his way. 

Jackson always felt the irony on this. People saw him as the most successful idol out there. But they didn't realize the utter failure he was out of the cameras. The state of his pack was enough proof. 

He wanted to disappear. He felt so humiliated. He kept his head down. Until he felt two hands raising his head and a pair of lips pressing on his own. He blinked his eyes open, looking at Bambam with surprise. Bambam was not a person that showed too much affection in public, so it was surprising for Jackson. 

"It's okay, Jackson. Our pack is well, no damage is permanently done. And it's okay to feel insecure sometimes too." Bambam said in english, after separating their lips. He kept caressing the older's face, giving him as much comfort as he could. He locked his lips with Jackson in a quick kiss again. "And about Jaebeom hyung, we will figure it out together. Me, you, the rest of the pack. We will find a way to help him together, it's all our responsibility. Not only yours. We are a family after all."

"Now, let's go before a sasaeng find us here." Bambam said, catching Jackson's hand and guiding him towards the house's front door. He knocked on the door, turning around to send a smile to Jackson. "Let's focus on what is in front of us right now."

After a few seconds, the door was opened. They turned around to see Jaebeom's mother in the house entryway. She had a happy smile on her lips, she was happy to see them visiting her there. She came forward and hugged them tightly, one each a time. 

“Hey, Jackson. Are you okay?” She asked when he ended the hug. He knew she must have realized something, her voice sounded worried. Jackson only then realized how small she was, since she only reached his shoulder. And he could admit he wasn’t the tallest person. But she was a fearless woman, a strong alpha. “You look upset.” She said.

“I am fine, ma’am.” He said with a soft smile. In situations like these, he missed his mother even more. She guided them inside the house, making a gesture for them to sit. 

"So, kids. I am very surprised and happy to see you here. Because not even my son is visiting me nowadays." She said, serving then a cup of tea. "So, why are you here? I have an idea why, but I want a confirmation"

"We came here to see if you could help us." Bambam said, after exchanging a glance with Jackson. "Something happened recently and we have no idea what to do." Jackson took from where Bambam had stopped. 

"I don't know if I will be able to help you in this, because Jaebeom didn't answer none of my calls and messages since the news came out about him being assaulted." Jaebeom's mom said, sitting in front of them on the couch. "But I can give you an overall idea about Jaebeom."

"Jaebeom had been acting strange for the past year. He went from being cold and distant to look like he was struggling. And now he is back to being cold again." Bambam said, sipping his tea. Jaebeom's mother looked away, her face pensative. 

"There's much that you are not aware." She said, her tone becoming more cautious and guarded. She walked to the window and closed the curtains and stayed there. "Jaebeom went through something very traumatic. Something that left severe scars, both physical and mental." Her voice was distant and guarded. She sounded almost emotionless. 

"W… What happened?" Jackson was hesitant. Bambam looked unsure too. It was the first time they were hearing about it. They had guessed something had happened, but they had no idea. 

"I can't tell you what. I can't betray his trust like that. It's his story to tell. I hope you can understand this." She said after some time, looking apologetic. After Bambam and Jackson nodded to her, she went back to the couch. 

"And I know why he is acting like this. Jaebeom closed himself off. Nobody can reach him, not even me, sometimes." She said tiredly. "And there's no way of making him talk. If you push him against a wall, he will close even more."

"So there's no way, then? To help him?" Bambam's voice came out strangled. It was not what he had been expecting to hear. Jackson put a hand on his tight, squeezing. It made Bambam feel a little bit better. 

"This is not what I said. I mean, if you try to force my son to speak, it will make everything worse." She gave them a long look. "The best way, normally was letting him be. He would come when he feels comfortable." 

Bambam took a sharp intake of breath. His heart was beating wildly in his chest. There was some kind of adrenaline rush. He had to make her understand. 

"He said he wants to die." Bambam blurred out. Jackson looked at him shocked. They had agreed to not tell her that since it was confided to him in trust by Jaebeom. Bambam saw Jaebeom's mom pressing her lips together, but there was no surprise on her face. 

"This does not surprise me. Jaebeom had gone through an… edge before. One that almost took his life." She let out a sigh, closing her eyes. There was so much, too much… 

"The only thing that kept him going forward was you, your group. He was so down, so sad. The only time, in that period, that I saw a spark of life in his eyes was when he was going back to Seoul." Her voice was heavy, sad. "So I had no other option than let him go." 

Bambam and Jackson looked at each other confused. They were not understanding anything. It was like she was talking in riddles. But they could gather a few things.

Jaebeom had been in a deep depression before. And they realized it had been before he came back that time. And the only thing that had kept him going was his love for the members.

"He should have received psychological help, then." Jackson said carefully. If Jaebeom had been this bad before, he should have been helped. Bambam nodded at his side.

"Oh, he began to have. The problem was that we didn't realize that the psychologist that offered to help him had other ulterior motives until it was almost too late. She broke him down." Her voice sounded angry, like she was containing herself. 

"She almost threw him over the edge. And we only realized it when we saw him getting worse instead of getting better after a few days passed. And the worse thing is that he absorbed everything she said. She used her professional knowledge to manipulate him. And he closed off completely after that." She stopped and took a sip in her cup, the tea had long gotten cold.

"Oh… Oh shit." Bambam said with wide eyes. His breath caught in his throat. He couldn't believe it. A new light shone in his mind. On why Jaebeom couldn't talk to them freely. He gave Jaebeom's mother an apologetic smile over his language. But she dispensed it. "Now it makes even more sense," at his side, Jackson was having similar thoughts.

"We tried to make him see other therapists, but nothing worked. He got more closed everyday. And there was nothing we could do. Until we realized that he being here was one of the things that were making his situation worse. So I decided to let him go." She exhaled heavily. 

"I had wanted to sue her, but he begged me not to. GOT7 had only debuted, and he was afraid that it would impact the group negatively. So I let it go begrudgingly. I just… in moments like this I just can't believe what was done to my son." She clenched her jaw to keep her emotions under control. She was so angry that the world had been so cruel with him.

"I want to support him, I try to do it as much as I can. But I am too far away. And I know he won't appreciate it if I simply appear in Seoul to see him." She threw a sad smile to them and turned away. 

"So, if you truly want to help him, you need to support him. Don't try to push him, just let him know you are there for him. It will be a long process, considering. But I think it's the only way to convince him to open up. " There was a heaviness in the air, while the silence stretched a bit. 

"I know someone that would be able to make him open up." Jackson said. He was looking at the floor, while Jaebeom's mother and Bambam turned to look at him. They knew exactly who he was talking about.

"Let me guess, someone called Jinyoung?" Jaebeom's mother said, her eyebrows were raised. Bambam let out a sigh, shaking his head. While Jackson gave her a sad smile nodding. "They are not in the best of the terms right now, though." Jackson said sadly. 

"I know. I know something had happened when Jaebeom stopped mentioning him. He was always talking about him, so it came as a surprise when he stopped." She told them. There was a questioning look on her face.

"Speaking about it, Jinyoung mentioned a phone call. In the period Jaebeom was visiting here." Jackson said softly. He had decided to try to get an answer for this question. If it helps unveil the mystery that was Jaebeom and Jinyoung's end of friendship.

"Yes, I vaguely remember his call." She said after a long time of concentrated thinking. "It was in the time that Jaebeom was in a very bad state. I was focused on helping him."

"Oh, I see." Jackson answered, deciding to not tell her what he was thinking. They talked for half an hour more, about a lot of things. Then they said their goodbyes. They couldn't stay long, they had to go back to Seoul. There was just too much to think about now

…………

Jinyoung was at a loss. He couldn't sleep at night. He was curled around Mark on the nest bed, the others were sprawled on the bed together. And he was completely exhausted. But he couldn't sleep. 

Mark's question couldn't stop running around his mind. He had given an easy answer, telling them what he wanted to believe. But it was not the true feeling. 

There was something missing in his heart. Something that he couldn't replace, no matter what. It was like a last piece was missing. A part of him believed he had lost it somewhere in the past. 

Jinyoung had always been afraid of voicing his thoughts out loud. He feared his mates would consider him as ungrateful for it. He doubted they would, but a small, insecure part of his brain kept making him feel like it. So he kept his thoughts to himself. 

He always tried his best to keep his turbulent thoughts to himself. He didn't want it leaking to the mate bond they had. So he made an effort to keep it buried down. 

"I don't think I should worry about it. Our mate bond basically doesn't work." Jinyoung thought angrily. Their mate bond is another thing they didn't understand. It doesn't work as it was supposed to. A normal pack would be able to read each other's emotions through the bond, as clear as day. And they would know exactly where the feelings were coming from, but it wasn't the case for them.

When a person receives a bite, normally a mental bond is formed. It's why it's important for the pack leader to be chosen wisely. Because he would be responsible for bounding the pack members in the most intimate way. The deepest way known.

They were taught they could feel each other's emotions. Sense when one of the mates were happy, sad, angry, afraid. It was the way a pack would always know what each member needed. 

But things were different for them. They were only able to sense the pack mates at a distance. Like now, Jinyoung was able to feel five presences in the room, deeply asleep. But he couldn't feel anything more than it.

Jinyoung had a very good guess on what was the piece that was missing from his heart. The thing is that he still yearns for Jaebeom. He still desired the other. He still wanted to mate the other. But he was terrified. He was terrified of that feeling.

"Maybe it makes me a coward," he thought with anguish. But he couldn't stop himself. Part of Jinyoung hated himself. He considered himself to be too emotional for an alpha. 

Jinyoung remembered something. A memory he really wanted to forget. Of a big alpha with harsh hands. His harsh words and too much pain.

He had conveniently forgotten to mention it in his conversation with Mark and Jackson. It was one of his worst memories. The way he had felt, broken and abused…

He hugged Mark closer, basking in the other's warmth. He snuggled in his neck, inhaling deeply Mark's mint and oakmoss scent. He tried to keep his emotions under control, in order to not wake up the others from their deep slumber. His scent would spike with distressed emotions if he wasn't careful.

But the memory kept pushing in his mind. It was after JJ Project's had been put on hiatus. The company had demanded him and Jaebeom to be separated. 

Jinyoung had always wondered why he had been separated from Jaebeom that time, after they were put back into training. He knew the company's official reason had been bullshit. JJ Project had had a lot of success for a debuting duo. 

But his question was answered when he was called to a meeting with his old company's higher management. He was told that his comportament was too omega like for an alpha. That it didn't fit with the company's image. And that he needed a tutor. 

He remembered feeling something chilling in his spine. He had been so afraid. And he hadn't been able to talk to anyone about it. That was the beginning of a nightmare that lasted almost two years. He remembered the pain he felt that time, the utter hopelessness that took his mind. He was hurting so much.

But what made everything worse was the fact that Jaebeom began to ignore him. He knew he had committed a big mistake to accept Jackson's offer without telling him. But he had been in so much pain that he wanted any kind of relief he could have. A relief that ended in tragedy for him.

He had wanted comfort. He felt he was going to break apart if he didn't accept the offer. Jaebeom still hadn't presented yet, so he couldn't offer the kind of comfort he desperately needed. 

Looking back now, he realized that he had been in too much pain to know Jaebeom was struggling too. And then, after, he had closed himself too tightly to the other. He had inadvertently blamed the other for his pain. 

Jinyoung almost let out a bitter laugh. He had judged the other so harshly while doing the exact same thing. The only difference was that he had his mates, while Jaebeom had no one. 

For a long time he had pushed the voice of reason out of his mind. He believed that if he didn't think about it then it wouldn't be true. He knew it was a silly thought, but one that he clanged as if his life depended on it. 

He remembered the harsh words, the pain that coursed through his body every time he had an evaluation of comportament. Nothing he did was right. The management wanted an image that he wasn't able to create. So they caused him pain for it. 

He remembered that sometimes he would propositally throw himself on the floor during the dance practices for the monthly evaluation. It was the way he had found to have an excuse for all the wounds in his body.

The management was careful with it, where to hit. But with Jinyoung being in a pack, it was obvious his mates would see it. So he had rushed to find an excuse, one they couldn't deny. 

Jinyoung carefully destagled himself from Mark. He wanted to get up, to walk. There were too many thoughts in his head for him to be able to sleep. And he was beginning to feel restless. So he went to the bathroom.

When he was inside, he doubled over the sink, taking deep breaths. He felt like his heart was going to bust open. And not in a good way. He slowly raised his head, looking at his features reflected on the mirror. 

Somedays Jinyoung couldn't even look at himself in the mirror. Depending on the situation of the day, he would see his image morphing with the very man he hated. And he would feel so disgusted by the sight. A part of him loathed himself. And he felt it was with reason. 

He believed that he was still caught in the shackles of the abuse he went through. He could never talk with anyone about it. One of the reasons he began to resent Jaebeom was because just when he decided to talk about what he was going through, the other didn't answer his call.

He knew it was not fair to put the blame on Jaebeom. He had nothing to do with it, but he couldn't control his feelings. He remembered opening his mouth constantly, trying to force the words out every time one of his mates asked if he was okay. But no words would ever come out. He would feel himself being strangled by his own words. 

He felt like his soul was being ripped apart. He hugged his middle, doubling over. He rested his forehead in the cold marble of the sink, taking shaking breaths. Silent tears began to fall, wetting his cheeks and hitting the stone. 

He kept the silence all the way through his distress. He had learned fastly to keep quiet, no matter what. He forced himself up and grabbed a bottle of scent blockers that he kept hidden under the cabinet. He distantly perceived that the bottle had been used recently, and not for him.

He pushed his thoughts away, focusing on spraying the scent blockers all over the bathroom. He didn't want the scent of his distress to be felt by his mates. After he was done, he slid to the floor, silently crying. 

He put his head in his hands and used his right wrist to muffle his sobs. His shoulders shook with each shallow breath he took. He kept crying for a long while, feeling his energy being drained.

After the sobs died out, he stayed in the ground for a long while. He felt a headache beginning to appear. His mind was dizzy. He hadn't been 

"I think my rut is coming," Jinyoung said out loud. He considered it was not the best moment for this, but he had been pushing his rut for months now. The others would begin to realize that something was amiss if he kept delaying it. 

He hadn't had a reason why he had kept delaying it. He just didn't feel in the mood. Something kept bothering him, and with Jaebeom's erratic behavior, he simply didn't want to deal with it. 

It was kind of funny, Jinyoung chuckled bitterly with the realization, that Jaebeom had such a big influence on his life even with him pushing him out. It was like his own soul craved for the older. 

"I am really fucked." Jinyoung thought, closing his eyes with a sigh. 

………….

Jaebeom woke up feeling a numb pain in his throat. It had been three weeks since he began to take his new suppressants. Their schedules were back to normal by now. 

He rolled in bed, stretching his limbs. He felt so tired these past few days. The comeback was approaching, and everyday things became more rushed for them. 

"Ha," Jaebeom sat up, testing the state of his voice. He winced when he felt the raspiness in it. It was like his throat was on fire with how painful it wasl to put a sound out. 

He let out a gasp when he felt a spike of pain inside his throat. What was a numb pain became painfully throbbing. He put his head in his hand feeling a distant emotion in his mind. Fear.

It didn't look good for him, to begin having serious trouble with his voice weeks before the comeback. He knew he would be freaking out if he wasn't on suppressants. That was the only thing keeping him calm.

When he realized it was still early, he got up and dressed himself. He decided to make some tea for his throat, instead of taking a shower, to see if it would get better. Because he wanted to do it while the members were still asleep, to avoid unwanted questions. 

Jaebeom had been away from the dorm in the last few days. Jinyoung rut had arrived in the beginning of the week, and, like everytime one of them was in rut, Jaebeom stayed away. He didn't like to be in the dorm when the alpha's were having a rut. The alpha's rut normally lasted three days, just like the omegas' heat.

For the betas' heat, it was okay. Since their heats didn't work like the ruts or the omegas' heat. It was only a moment where the betas felt much more desire for sex. But they could still control themselves well. For them it lasts longer, a week or two depending. 

For a long time, the scientists had debated if betas' heat was a thing or not. Because they didn't go wild with desire like the others subgenders. They simply had a spike in desire and hormones. 

After a few cases of betas acting almost like alphas because of a hormonal imbalance, it was finally decided that betas indeed have heats, they were just able to control themselves better, normally. 

Jaebeom was taken away from his thoughts when he reached the kitchen. He went straight to the cupboard, to take a cup for the tea. He was almost alarmed when he searched for the tea in the normal spot he left it and didn't find it. 

"An unpleasant result from being away for days." Jaebeom said out loud with a frown. Justly when he needed the tea he couldn't find it. He resisted the urge to simply bang his head against the wall in frustration. 

"Searching for something?" Jaebeom jumped when a voice said behind him. He turned around with a frown, to look at Mark. Jaebeom felt angry the other had slipped unnoticed. 

"Do you guys like to startle me or something?" Jaebeom paused after the question, his voice scratching painfully. His intention was to joke, but his voice sounded cold even to his own ears. He threw the other an apologetic smile when he saw him frowning. 

"What happened to your voice, Beom?" Mark said, ignoring both his cold tone and the obviously false smile. He almost winced when he heard the broken sound coming from the leader. It didn't sound good, literally. 

"I think I have a cold," Jaebeom said after a few seconds of hesitation. His mind had rushed to find an excuse. Until it had reached the easiest one. He gave Mark a sheepish smile. "Good job, Jaebeom. You really evolved as an actor." Jaebeom thought neutrally. 

"Oh, I see." Mark said, believing. There was no reason for him to be suspicious of the other. So he wasn't. "I hope it's nothing serious. What were you searching, though?" 

"Oh, just the tea I always keep here. For the throat." Jaebeom hoped Mark knew where it was. He couldn't afford to go to voice recording sounding like this. They were already days behind in schedule because of the delays. And one of those delays was precisely Jaebeom being unable to deliver what was expected of him in the recordings. Both on dance and on voice. 

He was feeling good physically these past weeks, so he was able to catch up on the dance. And vocally too. But there was still a lot to do. He wasn't satisfied with his performance. He wanted to deliver the best. It was the reason he hadn't finished the recording of the title song yet. 

"It's here. Jinyoung was drinking it yesterday." Mark said, waking to another part of the cupboard and taking a box of teas. He handed it to Jaebeom and sat down on the table, watching Jaebeom working.

Jaebeom raised his two eyebrows in distant surprise. He was surprised that Jinyoung had decided to drink his tea. The alpha had been very good in wiping everything that connected him to Jaebeom in the past years. It was almost disconcerting to hear Jinyoung had purposely drank his tea. 

"What's happening with you, Jaebeom?" Mark asked, after Jaebeom finished making his tea. He decided to grab the opportunity to have this conversation. The others were all asleep after a well spent night. "Jackson is really worried about you." 

"Me, why?" Jaebeom asked feigning ignorance. He turned around to look at Mark in the eyes. He knew his lies were more believable if he was looking at the person's face. 

"I don't know why, he didn't tell me. Even if I insisted." Mark said, letting out a sigh. This time he had caught in the obvious lie. There was no way Jaebeom didn't know. Since Jackson had gone to talk to him. "But I know something is really wrong, even if you don't tell us. You don't need to tell us to know." 

"I am fine, Mark." Jaebeom said, drinking his tea. His voice didn't show any signs of improvement. He frowned slightly, but Jaebeom pushed the thought away. 

"No, you are not." Mark said calmly. He knew he had to thread carefully, otherwise everything was going to go downhill. "When you arrived after your presentation, you were so cold and distant. And weeks after it, you asked me to not push you into talking." 

"Jinyoung had convinced us to not confront you immediately." Mark said, confirming what Jaebeom already suspected. Part of Jaebeom wished they had, so maybe he would have spilled everything that was eating him inside before it festered. Now he didn't have the courage needed to talk about it. "And then you asked me to not push you into talking. That you would open up if anything was bothering you." Mark continued. 

"Yet you never did." Mark went to the sink to drink a water glass. He felt it would be a long talk. One with him talking almost one sided. "You had all the signs of a danified beta, and you acted like one too. So we believed it, since you never told us otherwise. You even described yourself as one."

"And then you began to struggle. You came back changed once again." Mark kept talking, while Jaebeom kept his silence. Mark felt like he was talking to the walls, instead of a living and breathing person. This was the reason the members were so reticent in talking with Jaebeom. The way he used to keep them away, it made them feel almost improper. 

Mark knew it was not Jaebeom's intention. But he did make them feel like that. It was worse for the maknaes, they hadn't had a close relationship with Jaebeom in years. They didn't know what to do. The only one that had more courage to ask things directly was Yugyeom. He didn't know why, but he was the only one in the maknae line that was able to talk with Jaebeom directly. 

Mark really understood why Jackson was worried. It was like there was a wall between the pack and Jaebeom that no one was able to cross. In moments like these, Jaebeom indeed looked like a robot. He had no reaction. 

"I didn't know what to do. I wanted to respect your wishes and not push you. But you didn't come to talk to me either." Mark took a deep breath, he felt almost hurt for Jaebeom not trusting him with whatever he was dealing with. "I was torn between what to do. I wanted to be a good friend and respect your wishes, and at the same time I wanted to be a good Hyung to the group and demand what was wrong."

"And now, I feel like I failed on both." Mark said, looking at his hands. He waited a moment, seeing if Jaebeom wanted to say anything. When the silence progressed, he looked up. Jaebeom was staring at the opposite wall, his eyes a mixture of a distant emotion and something closed off. 

"We can only help you if you talk to us, Jaebeom. We don't know what is happening. Please, we only want to help." Mark was almost begging. He was so scared. Over the weeks, Mark had become more afraid. Seeing Jaebeom going from crying and having a panic attack to him become a stone cold statue in a question of days was a rollercoaster. 

"There's nothing to worry about me," Jaebeom said after a few minutes. He had waited for Mark to keep going, and when the other had stopped, he had finally spoken. His voice was still scratching, the tea had done anything to help it. but he pushed it out of his mind. He didn’t want them to worry him. “I am figuring things out and I will be well soon enough.” 

Mark let out a sigh, letting his head rest on the table. He saw Jaebeom getting up and walking away. He let him go. He knew it was pointless to try to keep him there when he clearly wasn’t going to talk. He looked up, trying to think of a strategy. He couldn’t let Jaebeom waste away, but he didn’t know what to do either. 

………….

Jaebeom was inside the recording cabin. He had been there for hours now. He could almost feel the frustration of the members. They tried to hide it, but he could still feel it. It was almost ten in the night, and yet no signal of them going home.

They had been working on the title track for weeks now. But Jaebeom wasn’t satisfied. Mostly, he wasn’t satisfied with his performance. Since the day of the talk with Mark, his voice had been getting worse. It was difficult for him to even talk, somedays, after the vocal practices. 

“Your voice isn’t soundinding good, Jaebeom.” His manager, Seojun, had come talk to him, a few days before. He was worried about the state his voice was getting to. But Jaebeom was fast in reassuring him. He didn’t want them worrying for him. So he tried to convince them it was a simple cold that was affecting his voice. 

“I want to enjoy whatever time I have left in the group.” Jaebeom thought in sadness. His suppressants were working well. But he began to feel very nauseated these days. He would almost throw up everytime he was going to get up from the bed in the morning. So he knew the state of his voice was a side effect of the suppressants, he couldn’t keep convincing himself otherwise. 

Jaebeom opened his mouth to sing, a strong and constant pain irradiating from the inside of his throat. He paused. It was like his vocal chords were on fire. If he had been feeling any emotion, he would have recognized the signal and would have stopped immediately. But the numbness on his mind told him to keep going.

“Ahh,... “ He began to sing, initiating the song from his own verse, when his mouth suddenly stopped producing sound. He felt a sharp pain inside his throat from how forced his first note sounded and then he suddenly couldn’t speak at all. He blinked, opening his mouth to try again, but only a raspy whimpering came out. 

He put his hands on his throat. He felt a slight fear entering his mind, but he kept trying. His throat was hurting more and more as he kept trying to talk and nothing came out. He blinked fast, trying to think of something when the door of the recording studio opened and one of his producer friend entered, looking concerned. 

“Jaebeom, are you okay? You stopped singing.” The producer asked. Jaebeom looked up, feeling small. He knew that if he wasn’t using his suppressants he would be in a full panic attack by now. Jaebeom’s eyes wide open, trying to make sense of what was happening. He felt a dizziness take his body, and he supported his weight on the wall behind him. 

“Jaebeom?” The manager asked, entering the cabin. Jaebeom shook his head, trying to tell them something that even he himself didn’t know what. He closed his eyes once again, trying to make the dizziness and nausea go away. Until he felt himself falling to the floor, his legs giving out suddenly. 

His eyes widened open when he felt a pair of hands grabbing his arms, pulling him up before he hit the ground. He felt a soundless gasp leaving his throat when he felt something like static passing through his body from the touch. It had been so long since he had had contact with the skin of one of the members. 

He remembered that Bambam had touched him the day he was assaulted, but he had been too far gone to really be able to enjoy it. So, it had been long. In particular with the person who was holding him up. He could recognize that touch anywhere, even if he hadn’t felt it in years. 

He looked at his right, to see the person that was holding him up. Jinyoung had a shocked expression, his eyes were wide too. Jaebeom was so surprised that he had caught him. Jinyoung was the last person he expected to help him. He hadn’t even realized his members had entered the room, in first place. 

Jinyoung let him go after a moment, after he was sure that Jaebeom wasn’t going to fall again. Jaebeom looked at the ground, suddenly feeling drained. He had a feeling that whatever was going to happen was not going to be pretty. He put a hand in his temple and closed his eyes again, feeling his energy disappearing. The other he brought to his neck. 

“Jaebeom?” Mark asked, coming closer. Jaebeom opened his eyes, to look at his hyung. Mark looked at him worriedly, Like he was unsure if he should come closer or not. Jaebeom felt his shoulders hunching forward, a sense of defeat taking his body. “So it’s it, then?” He thought tiredly.

“Are you okay, Jaebeom?” Mark asked carefully. Jaebeom saw Jinyoung’s face closing again, while he gave a few steps back, towards the door. It was like he was back to his normal self. Jaebeom couldn't help but feel his heart dropping. For a split second he could have believed everything was okay. He let out a shake breath. 

“I… I c… can… an… t… spe… eak.” Jaebeom tried to tell then, but only a low whisper came out. But it was enough for everyone in the room to understand, because their eyes widened in shock. The pain in his throat was unbelievable, right now. It was like it was being ripped or burned inside out. He let out a hoarse cough, startling when blood came out from his mouth.

The manager gasped when he saw it too. Jaebeom distantly heard him telling him that he was going to be taken to the hospital while he cleaned his hand on a towel. He heard the manager sending the members home, while guiding him to the car. When he was sitting down, he perceived that he was in some kind of shock. 

After some time, Jaebeom realized they had arrived at the clinic. It was the one the company normally took them to. They were escorted to a room where a doctor was waiting for them. The manager, Seojun, began to explain the situation after they sat down. Jaebeom kept his eyes on the ground, barely listening to the conversation. 

“I will give a look, and I will need a blood exam.” The female doctor said, getting up. Jaebeom hadn’t bothered to catch her name. He felt drowsy, the suppressants working hard to try to keep him balanced. He felt his stomach turning, and he was afraid of throwing up.

After a few minutes, the doctor came back with a few objects. A syringe to take his blood, and a few other things he didn’t recognize. After she took his blood, he went to investigate his throat. She had a stone cold expression when she kept inspecting, and Jaebeom knew it was not a good sign. 

She walked out of the room again, leaving him and the manager in a complete silence. Jaebeom felt his head falling to the side, the drowsiness becoming heavier. He stayed like that for a long time, waiting for the results.

“I fucked up really bad, didn’t I? And I have no one to blame besides myself.” He thought tiredly. For him, it was kind of funny. “I have put my members through so much shit. Now is my turn.” He was so tired. So tired of keep pretending, of keeping everyone away. Of keeping his walls up.

He looked at his manager, seeing the displeased frown in the beta’s face. He felt a distant pang on his chest. In the end of the day, it was like he was always disappointing everyone at his surroundings. His members, his mother, his manager, the company. He had thought his new suppressants were going to help him center himself. But it only ended making his life more complicated. His members trying to reach him only to hit an impenetrable wall. The unanswered calls from his mom. The unread messages from his friends. And… 

And Jinyoung's displeased face. He thought back to it, the way that he, for a split second, had desired to throw himself in the younger’s arms. He had never expected to have Jinyoung be the one to help him first, without being ordered to it. But he had done it, probably without even realizing what he was doing until it was already done. He had acted on instinct. It was such a small thing, but it had so much impact on his fragile soul. And for a second, Jaebeom had hoped. 

Jaebeom closed his eyes, feeling a headache taking the front side of his head. He let his head fall back, he felt he was still in shock, his limbs aching from dancing all day. And the worst thing was that he began questioning himself. “I can’t let go of my suppressants, I grew too dependent on them. I don’t know how to live without it.” He thought. 

“I have the results now.” The doctor said, entering the room and taking Jaebeom from his thoughts. He blinked at her, waiting for her diagnosis. “Your hormones are completely out of control, creating small wounds in your vocal chords. It created a dryness there that made it easier for the wounds to be formed.” Jaebeom and the manager nodded in understanding. The manager seemed surprised, while Jaebeom was already expecting it. 

“I will prescribe a few medications for you. One for the hormones.” At this, the doctor gave him a sharp look. “You will take it for a month and then come back here. This is a very strong medication. And the other is for the wounds. It will dull the pain and make it heal faster.” She said, and he nodded once again.

“You will have to rest your voice completely. And avoid eating very hard things, like cookies. It can delay the recovery.” The doctor hesitated, giving Jaebeom a long and analyzing look. “Can you leave us alone for a few minutes?” She asked the manager, making a gesture to the door. Seojun hesitated for a second, before nodding and walking away. 

“So Jaebeom,” she said, reclining her chair back. There was a frown on her face. “I know you are not surprised with the results. You were expecting it. And I have a good idea why you are in this situation.” She stopped for a few seconds, weighting her words carefully. “I am not your doctor, so I wont say anything about it. If they prescribed it for you it is because they felt it was necessary.”

“But what I wanted to say is, decrease the dosage, take the medicine I gave you with care and take care of yourself. You are too young to destroy your health like this. And you will destroy it if you keep like this. Your voice will be the first one to go.” She made a motion for him to go, if he wanted. He nodded his head simply and walked out of the room.

Minutes later, he was sitting in the car, on his way to the dorm. It was already two in the morning. He prayed to all the gods he knew for the members to be asleep. But he knew it wouldn’t be the case. He was feeling so tired, he didn't know if he would be able to endure a confrontation right now. 

While Jaebeom was looking outside of the window, watching the droplets of water falling from the sky, he heard the manager let out a sigh. Jaebeom turned his head around, just in time to see him turning the car to stop at the side of the road. He turned the car off, unfastened the seat belt and turned around to look at Jaebeom in the eyes. 

"So, Jaebeom. What is happening?" He asked with serious glare. Jaebeom blinked, turning his face back to the front. He was almost happy that he couldn't talk, so he could avoid that conversation. When he gave no response, the manager let another sigh. 

"I have realized, Jaebeom, that the members are acting very unsure around you. It's like they are walking through thin ice." Jaebeom kept looking away. He couldn't fathom to have this conversation right now. He was tired, sleepy, and his mind was far away. He felt the foggy around his emotions begin to dissipate. And he wouldn't be able to handle it now. 

"They are walking on thin ice around me? I am the one that does it with them." He almost let out a snort when what the manager had said was caught by his mind. Only the pain in his throat that refrained him from doing it.

His mind was so confused, he felt like he needed more suppressants. But a voice in his head remembered him that he was in that situation exactly because of it. 

"Whatever is happening, we wanted to help you. But we can only help if you allow us to do it. I know there's something you are not telling us, that the doctor knew and is aware that you know too." The manager stopped and put his hand on his shoulder, giving a squeeze. "The members want to help you. I don't know what is happening between you guys but they are worried. We only want to help you."

Jaebeom opened his mouth to say something, the pain in his throat almost unbearable. But then he suddenly felt overwhelmed. A river of tears came out from his eyes, and before he could stop himself, he was crying completely. 

He hid his head in his hands when the sobs began to come out. It was an agony, his throat protesting every moment. But he couldn't stop crying. The pain made him cry even more. He couldn't believe it. He couldn't believe he had destroyed his voice. 

For the next few minutes he kept crying, everything came back to him like an avalanche. All the emotion the suppressants had kept away for the past weeks was inundating him. And he didn't know how to deal with it. He felt his breath catching on his throat, he was beginning to hyperventilate. 

He felt desperate. He couldn't breathe, the pain on his throat was too much. He felt like he was being strangled. He heard the manager saying something, but he couldn't focus. The panic was too strong. 

"You are going to lose your members. You are going to lose your career. You are going to disappoint your parents. And you are going to always be a failure. And it will always be your own fault." It was what a voice kept repeating on his head. He doubled over, crying more. The aching on his throat was almost unbearable. He grabbed his neck, he wanted to claw it out… 

A hand grabbed his wrist and pulled it back. A new wave of panic ran over him. He suddenly was not in the car anymore, he was in a mansion's room, powerless and surrounded. 

"Stop, stop. Please." He tried to scream, but he could only produce a hoarse whisper. His throat screamed in pain, and he desired to simply pass out. There was no relief.

"It's okay, it's fine." The hand that was holding his wrist let go, and he tried to crawl away. He hit a hard surface and stayed there, he wanted to curl into a ball, but there was no space. "Jaebeom, breathe. Just breathe. Please." The voice kept saying. 

But he couldn't. He hasn't had it on himself to try to breath. And, honestly, he didn't really want to. He stayed like that, his vision gone dark, and he falling deeper and deeper in an abyss of pain. He wanted to disappear. He hugged himself, trying to protect his heart. Until… 

"Jaebeom?" He let out a sob when he heard Mark's voice coming from somewhere in the distance. He knew the older was not there, so he had to be dreaming. But the voice came again, and he realized a phone had been put in his lap. " Hyung?" He heard Jackson questioning voice. 

Jaebeom let out a whimper, a new set of tears coming back. He didn't know how he still had tears to cry. He doubled over, resting his head on his knees, right beside the phone. 

"Hey Beomie, everything is okay. Just breathe, okay. In and out." Mark's voice penetrated his mind, it was gentle and soothing. A balsam for his pain. He couldn't answer, so he simply let out a whimper. "I will count from one to three. Then you are going to inhale, and I will count again and you will exhale, deal?" Mark asked, still with that gentle voice. 

Jaebeom didn't answer. He kept there, his muscles tense and almost feeling his conscience disappearing. His gasping breaths were loud, but barely anything went past his closed throat. 

"It's okay, Jaebeom. You are not alone. Whatever happened we will figure it out together. Just try to breathe, we are all waiting for you here." Mark said, and Jaebeom could hear Jackson making some noises in the background, saying something. Jaebeom made a noise in the back of his throat, indicating he was listening. 

"So, I will count again, okay? Ready? One, two, three. Inhale. One, two, three. Exhale." At first, when Jaebeom tried to inhale, he only choked. His throat was too tight, too closed. But, after the moments went by, he was able to take a breath a bit easier, with Mark and Jackson's voice to guide him. 

After the panic rescinded a bit, his vision began to clear. His throat was burning, with a new throbbing pain. He uncurled himself a little bit, still hearing the voices through the phone. He raised his head from his knees, when a hand took the phone away. 

He realized that he was sitting in a strange position, the door from his side was open and someone had unbuckled his seatbelt. He blinked and saw the manager standing a few meters away from him. He was talking to the phone, but his eyes were glued on Jaebeom with a mixture of worry and fear. 

Jaebeom realized that he had been the one to call Mark. He had tried to help, but when he was unable to, he had called the members. Jaebeom was quite surprised by it. 

A dread feeling entered his body. He realized that the manager had called the members and they all had been probably together. They all had heard him panic, they all had heard his cries… 

Jaebeom turned around fast and threw up on the pavement. His stomach was in pain, the nausea clinging to him. His lungs were heavy and his breath was still shallow. He rested his head at the side of the car, his limbs too tired for anything else. 

"Jaebeom?" The manager asked, he began to come closer but thought better and stepped back. It was only then that Jaebeom realized that there were tears streaming down his face. He only shook his head, his mind was tired and blurred. He didn't know what he wanted to tell the manager, but in the end the message was clear. 

"... Yes, we will be going home." The manager said on the phone, then exchanged a few more words before turning it off. He approached the car, motioning for Jaebeom to sit properly, before closing his door. Then he went to the driver's seat. Before entering, he hesitated. 

"Can I come in," Jaebeom looked at his direction, confused. The manager raised an eyebrow and gestured to Jaebeom in silence. Realization hit Jaebeom when he realized what the manager was talking about. 

The manager had tried to help him, pulling his hand away from his neck. And it had made Jaebeom's panic attack much worse. Jaebeom blinked, feeling humiliated and ashamed, but nodded. He bucked his seatbelt, turning around to look through the window. 

He felt his limbs numb, he could barely feel his fingers. The coldness seemed to have dominated his body. The pain on his throat was so strong. He crossed his arms, trying to bring warmth to himself. He felt small, his shoulders hunched forward and his head low. He heard the manager letting out a sigh. 

"Let's get you home, Jaebeom."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, yeah, this chapter took a different route from the one I had initially planned. I wanted to give a focus to every member. 
> 
> Next chapter things get more complicated, and the pack is forced to make a decision. 
> 
> So, tell me what you think. Don't forget to leave a comment/review.


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